What we watched...

House Guest, ITV1
...which we've reviewed here

Ultimate Force, ITV1
"We will bring the infidels to their knees,” promised a smooth, well-educated Islamist terrorist. But he didn't know that Ross Kemp and his hardnut SAS colleagues were on his trail in Afghanistan with some suitably obnoxious Americans along for the ride, desperate to get their hands on his laptop (we presume he'd probably just downloaded some really good porn). The result: lots of bang, bang you're dead nonsense with the goodie bullets finding their targets and the baddie bullets ending up in space. This is a very stupid programme, but that won't stop us enjoying it.

Eurovision Song Contest: First Semi-Final, BBC3
...which we've reviewed here

The Supersizers Go…, BBC2,
Quality reality entertainment as Sue Perkins (we love) and Giles Coren (bit of a jerk) tuck in to fare of our forfathers. Wartime rations this week, forcing wife Sue to conjure up potato sandwiches, Spam-based lunches and sugar-free deserts while husband Giles had to force them down. Braised sheep’s heart went down well, though. As did the news they they both shed a few pounds after a week without fat or sugar. We're off to make carrot lollies (dip them in caramelised sugar and shove them on a stick).

Scallywagga, BBC3
This seems to have taken a critical battering but we're liking it a lot. Sally Lindsay is fantastic in every appearance (notably as an exam invigilator this week), but the younger cast are all hot talents and a lot of the writing is funny. Best bits this week: the PIN-knowall with his weird advice, the copper who couldn't remember the words of the caution ("taken down and used as elephants"), the woman who popped up during a baby's delivery between the mother's legs to ask "Is there a Greggs round here?" and the al fresco dance for world peace.

Child Of Our Time, BBC1
Another bittersweet episode focused on how childhood isn't very childish any more. Two thirds of children aged 8-10 are forbidden from going to the corner shop and seem to spend their lives looking into screens. Professor Winston blames the parents. “Parents in Britain spend more time watching television than talking to their children,” he complained in a message that went largely unheeded because almost every TV was turned to Manchester United's win against Chelsea on the other side.

My New Best Friend, BBC4
For non-football viewers, Child Of Our Time was followed on BBC4 by one of those vaguely interesting observational documentaries following four girls – Sharon, Kylie, Nikki and Vikki – from private prep school as they settled in to Cheltenham Ladies' College. Oops, just noticed that we misread our notes. Their names were actually Nanae, Daisy, Lydia and Annabelle. Highlight was the girl reading a car from her parents. "Parents hold their children's hands for a while, and their hearts for ever." How her tears flowed after that.

UEFA Champions League Final: Manchester United v Chelsea, ITV1/Sky Sports/pub
Oh the joy!

The Apprentice, BBC1
...which we've reviewed here

Desperate Housewives, Channel 4
There's unlikely to be a better single episode of any drama this year. Last week, Richard Chamberlain turned up, all gay and forgiving. This week, a tornado turned up, all grey and unforgiving. The gay couple's water fountain sculpture was an early casualty, a car somersaulted in the middle of Wisteria Lane, a barbecue went for a burton., Victor died as he was poleaxed by a picket fencepost, and Lynette's house crumbled while she was hiding in a bath with Mrs McCluskey and a mattress. It wasn't all bad news: Gabriella and Edie and Bree and Katherine realised their two peas in a podness and formed new bonds. Next week, they'll probably all be skipping through the wreckage to the aromatherapists.

Eurovision Song Contest: Second Semi-Final, BBC3
...which we've reviewed here

The Inbetweeners, E4
It was the Camber Sands caravan park sexfest episode. Featuring a caravan park, in all its hideousness. But no sex. Until Neil revealed he'd been shagging all night in Simon's car, hence the dampness of the seats as they drove home. "It's not all spunk, there's probably some of her juices," Neil reassured his fellow passengers. Lovely.

Have I Got News For You, BBC1
Lee Mack quipped his way through a reasonable edition although the guests (an overenthusiastic, schoolgirlish Shami Chackrabarti and an over-dry John O'Farrell) didn't really add much in the aftermath of Labour getting S-Crewed.

Peep Show, Channel 4
A classic, bad taste episode centring on Jezza and "the dead Gwen bonanza". His aunt's death had the cash signs flashing rather than the tears rolling. "It's not like she was Ian Curtis. She wasn't going to make a seminal album. She couldn't even make a good Christmas cake." Rooting through her possessions, he found a gun (or "gunny" as Mark lovingly called it). "Guns are great," said Jezza. "Design classics like the Routemaster bus or... those chairs."
Meanwhile, Mark was raped ("I'm having sex against my will. She's stolen sex off me") and was hoping to ghostwrite Jezza's stepfather's war tales ("War's never a picnic, although soldiers do end up eating outside a lot.")

Friday Night With Jonathan Ross, BBC1
It's going to be like Abba all over again. We always loved Abba but hated it when they became popular again. It made them less special. We didn't want to share our love. The same thing is happening with Neil Diamond. We've loved his music for years. Now he's flavour of the month and Cracklin' Rosie will probably become the number one ringtone and you'll hear people humming Sweet Caroline on the bus. His return to British TV with JR was superb; that voice is as powerful as ever. Now we just hope Neil can avoid being too tarnished by appearing in an ITV special next weekend.
Also on the show were the Osmonds, allowing Jonathan to be annoyingly sleazy again with his inappropriate "getting into Marie" remarks and references to internet porn. We suggest Jonathan has a good wank before recording his chat show. Get it out your system, you dirty old man.

Britain's Got Talent, ITV1
...which we've reviewed here

Eurovision Song Contest 2008, BBC11
...which we've reviewed here