No Signal, FX

Did we like it?
If you loved The Kevin Bishop Show on Channel 4 – the one featuring short, sharp clips from lots of spoof TV channels and programmes – you may have liked this identical twin but, like us, would probably have felt it was a lot less successful.

What was good about it?
• The only genuinely funny, novel sketch was The Chavvy Wavvys, who are like the Tweenies with added burping, Burberry and benefit dependency.
• Cop Swap, in which hardbitten New York cops keep law and order in sleepy Buckinghamshire, could have been good if the accents had been half decent and there were more than a couple of funny lines.
• Also, America's Next Serial Killer was a smart idea ("Ten ordinary Americans all with a dream of being a notorious serial killer") but dragged on and on (and was also hampered by poor accents).
• The one weakness of Kevin Bishop's show was the attempt to satirise news channels. No Signal did it better, with its New News Now channel, featuring anchors giving the game away about how cynical it all is ("for the latest on people being killed on the other side of the world...").
• We laughed at the spoof ads for Super Giant Chicken Kebab Pizza'n'Chips Burger ("new for the lazy mum") and Home Terrorist magazine ("part one and a bar of Semtex, only 50p").
• The porn film sign language sketch was acceptable.

What was bad about it?
• Spoofing TV is becoming so redundant in an age where your worst nightmares now become primetime programmes and every channel has more crass shows than classy ones.
• When there were clever ideas, they were ruined by poor writing or poor performances. For example, the Real Adolf Hitler ("he likes to do stir fry, tofu...") could have been brilliant but never hit the mark.
• The endless keep fit informercial and spoof sofa store commercial were dull.
• Granny Chat XXX was just horrible.
• The attempt to parody late-night quiz channel was pitifully unfunny.
• Worst of all was Pimp Up My Wife, a nasty piece of work frnted by the charmless DJ Spoony.

It’s Time To Go Nationwide, BBC4

Did we like it?
Across our screen paraded skateboarding ducks, record-breaking brickies, Hugh Scully being accosted in MFI, a yacht race powered only by the hot air from Frank Bough’s mouth and Mrs Thatcher squirming – TV highlights all, but was it really enough to justify a one-hour special of BBC4’s inexorably suffocating celebrations of BBC mediocrity, as if the viewers will be blinkered to the crude cost-cutting because of the licence-fee shortfall, while Andrew Lloyd-Webber continues to be venerated like the earthly avatar of Apollo.

What was good about it?
• Richard Stilgoe – we have fond memories of him from our childhood as one of those TV eccentrics who beguiled you with their frenetic urge to inform and entertain but to do so in their own idiosyncratic manner. We can still remember the theme tune to kids’ game show Finders Keepers in which Stilgoe prodded away at his synthesiser, droning in a hypnotic monotone as if availing to invoke Beelzebub.
• In this retrospective we got to see him nearer the start of his TV career, composing barbed little ditties about the vagaries of corporate amorality to the downtrodden consumer.
• Over a period of 14 years, it’s probable that any programme can collect together highlights to fill an hour (we recall that paean to solemnity Heartbeat managed such a feat recently), and these moments were funny or interesting – the skateboarding duck, Mrs Thatcher being taken to task about the Falklands War and a jealous Shetland Pony kick out at two presenters who, as a jape, trotted round his field dressed as a pantomime horse.
• The best bit, though, was James Hogg became a castaway on a remote island; he had to fish or trap his own food and shelter from the elements in nooks and crannies and, before he went insane, returning to a hero’s welcome.
• Seeing the very young John Humphrys and John Craven in an early episode of the programme.
• Despite his Lucifer-esque Fall, we still regard Frank Bough as a TV paternal figure, with his reassuring smile and easy manner, and so it was pleasing to see him enjoying his retirement.

What was bad about it?
• Was there any point to the programme? The highlights could have been tied up and spat out in a 15 minute bloc to fill in after Horizon. It’s not Nationwide’s fault in itself; it simply was a programme made for its time that was of its time – any glossy rejuvenation of the show simply illuminated the fact that it’s so badly dated. We wonder if this series of revisions of history will stretch to such redundant leviathans like Panorama, which was akin to slipping into a visual void for 50 minutes on a Monday evening (although it was still 10 times better than it is now),
• Efforts were made to illustrate how forward-thinking and innovative Nationwide was with such things as the public asking politicians questions live on air or focusing on Dead Donkey stories that clog the end of news bulletins with a tidal wave of saccharine and those cloying, ingratiating smiles that pierce the cerebrum with their self-consciously winsome stupidity that GMTV has turned into an art form.
• But none of this mattered – the ideas weren’t bolts from the blue, they were simply progressions along the path to viewer-generated content, which, while fun, are the Anti-Christ of journalism. Aside from the odd viewer, such as Diana Gould’s interrogation of Margaret Thatcher, viewers are more often than not cowed by the politicians, who are well-versed at facing far more adroit adversaries across the Dispatch Box in Parliament. The (near) contemporary equivalent is Tony Blair being interviewed by Fiona Phillips.
• The origin of that national embarrassment the BBC news presenters do Children In Need was exhumed in the form of the Nationwide pantomime with Dennis Healey on piano. Jeremy Vine in suspenders is mild in comparison.
• Esther Rantzen hinted at the “chauvinism” of Nationwide, but this was only superficially explored. We were assured by all the male presenters, and Sue Lawley, about the great atmosphere behind the scenes. Yet this neglected one of the most interesting social changes that had occurred since the programme was in its prime – although perhaps it hasn’t changed that much as the male presenters were predominantly old and haggard while the female presenters were young and doe-eyed (though, we have no doubt, were formidable journalists, too).
• The indulgent attitude of producer Ron Neil that painted Nationwide as the circus clowns putting the noses out of joint of the rest of the “mostly Oxbridge” current affairs team that produced Panorama. Again, our recollections are a little hazy, but we remember Panorama and Nationwide as two sides of the same very grey coin.
• Nobody mentioned that towards the end of its run, it began at 6.22pm, which always struck us as weird.

Whitechapel, ITV1

Did we like it?
Jack the Ripper will always be a beacon of morbid fascination, a fertile reservoir of conspiracy and febrile theorizing – much like the attacks on the World Trade Center or the assassination of JFK – as it has the twin magnetism of unsolved mystery and brutal murder. This modernisation – a copy cat killer stalks the streets of Old London Town – employs the legend as the bedrock for a more fascinating adversarial battle between young posh inspector and grizzled old anachronism, and while we’ve our reservations about the pure execution of this conceit, the fact that the roles are filled by the brilliant Rupert Penry-Jones and Phil Davis means it is bound to be a gripping thriller.

What was good about it?
• Although Rupert Penry Jones and Phil Davis play a little close to type in their parts as snooty, fast-tracked Detective Inspector Joseph Chandler ruffling the feathers of surly set-in-his-ways DS Ray Miles both actors are accomplished enough to mould three dimensions from the hewn granite rock of their respective archetypes.
• Chandler has an arrogant façade that makes him ignorant or scornful of the equally derisive Miles. And throughout the episode they were bickering as much with each other as solving the mounting murders. Chandler came a cropper when he insisted on observing the pathologist and Miles matter-of-factly discuss the mutilated corpse of a young woman, as he was overcome by nausea – to Miles’ delight.
• Chandler, however, hasn’t been hammered into a cycle of sterile cynicism like Miles, and is capable of making leaps of imagination beyond that of Miles and his slothful team of artful indolents. Miles dismisses the assistance of Mr Buchan (Steve Pemberton), who claims the killer is mimicking Jack the Ripper, but Chandler is more receptive and gains his grim reward when the third murder occurs just like Buchan predicted it would.
• This, of course, lessens the friction between Chandler and Miles, at least in a professional sense as Miles seems more embittered than ever that he was proved wrong in front of his men. And the second episode should witness a closer bond to help solve the crimes.
• But the rift between them was beautifully conveyed as the pair stood outside the autopsy room as the pathologist examined the first corpse. Davis stood head back against the wall, exhaling with controlled exasperation at what he saw as Chandler’s inept meddling, while Penry-Jones stood stock-still as though aware of the simmering resentment emanating from Miles.
• Steve Pemberton as Mt Buchan added an otherworldliness to the rigid conventions of yet another murder thriller. While he’s far too obvious a culprit, his quivering tones bring to mind almost a ghostly aid to the investigation, while his efforts to earn money from his grisly Ripper tours mark out his most human traits. The odd thing with Pemberton is that because he played such a span of characters in League of Gentlemen, many of his subsequent roles carry distinctive echoes of his bleakest creations, with Mr Buchan a more genial incarnation of Harvey Denton.
• As with every whodunit, part of the attraction is trying to guess the killer. And if we go by the rule that killers must be introduced in the first half, after the first of the three episodes we only have two suspects.
• The first is Chandler’s superior who got him the job as DI, and, if he is the murderer, is hoping his inexperience will cause him to mess the investigation up.
• But our chief suspect is the nurse in the hospital where Chandler goes to question a woman who could have been the first victim. We, perhaps misguidedly, think this because she got her name in the credits when it wasn’t mentioned (Frances Coles), and that the police constantly talk about the killer as a man, despite the fact that Chandler has guessed that they disguise themselves before committing murder. Or alternatively, she could just be the next victim.

What was bad about it?
• While the adversarial attrition between Chandler and Miles buoyed the slow-burn of the investigation, it did become a little ludicrous when Chandler berated his inferiors as if they were a bunch of unruly schoolboys. He even stood at the front of the office chalk in hand scribbling on a blackboard, snapping at them for not wearing a tie or slouching. This came across as too much of a theatrical conceit wrought to pit Chandler against Davis, when this conflict between the two antagonists had long been established by the immaculate acting of the pair, and this loud appendix felt utterly extraneous.
• It’s yet another drama that feeds off the Jack the Ripper legend. So many thrillers take their lead from this gruesome tale that the appeal palls somewhat, and as Whitechapel has, as yet, to offer the kind of originality or cerebral insight that Alan Moore’s From Hell comic did then it might have perhaps thought a little harder about a less tarnished premise.

The TV Week – 14-20 February 2009

Saturday
7.00pm Channel 4 Political Awards Channel 4 – Hosted by Jon Snow.
7.30pm Arena: Tony Bennett: The Music Never Ends BBC2 – The crooner reflects on his life with his friend and jazz enthusiast Clint Eastwood.
7.45pm Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway ITV1 – Return of the entertainment show. Guests are Paris Hilton and Miley Cyrus.
9.00pm New Town BBC4 – Drama starring Max Bremer and Mark Gatiss set in Edinburgh where danger and desire is seething among the upper echelons of society. With Daniela Nardini, Gabriel Quigley, Paul Higgins, John Bett, Omid Djalili, Rose Leslie and Edith MacArthur.
9.00pm Dancing on Ice: The Story of Bolero ITV1 – Documentary about ice skaters Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean marking the 25th anniversary of their medal-winning Bolero routine at the Sarajevo Winter Olympics.

Sunday
1.15pm Lily Allen Special Channel 4
7.00pm Ways to Save the Planet Discovery Channel – Series following a team of scientists in their bid to cover part of a Greenland glacier with reflective blankets to stop it melting.
8.00pm Come Dine With Me Channel 4 – The return of the party-hosting challenge features celebrities Christopher Biggins, Edwina Currie, Julia Bradbury and Phillip Olivier.
8.00pm The City MTV One – US reality series.
8.30pm Richard Hammond's Engineering Connections BBC2
9.00pm The Victorians BBC1 – Four-part series in which Jeremy Paxman delves into the lives of Victorian people.
10.20pm Damages BBC1 – Series two of the US legal thriller starring Glenn Close as high-stakes litigator Patty Hewes and Rose Byrne as her protegé Ellen Parsons . The 13-part run sees the arrival of William Hurt as a new client of Hewes, Marcia Gay Harden as an attorney who opposes Hewes in court, Timothy Olyphant as a man who becomes entangled in Ellen's life.
10.35pm Mark Lawson Talks to Sir Antony Sher BBC4

• Guest list
• Spectacle: Elvis Costello With... Kris Kristofferson, Roseanne Cash, Norah Jones and John Mellencamp. Channel 4, Wednesday
• Songbook Donovan. Sky Arts, Thursday
• Sean Lock, Rob Brydon, Ben Miller and Alan Davies QI BBC1, Friday
• Mickey Rourke, Jason Manford, Will Young, the Cure on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross BBC1, Friday
• Lily Allen, N-Dubz, Alesha Dixon and All American Rejects on The Album Chart Channel 4, Friday

Monday
6.30pm Oops TV! Sky1 – A 50-part daily series voiced by Justin Lee Collins featuring funny home videos, YouTube clips, sporting bloopers and TV out-takes.
8.30pm Snog Marry Avoid? BBC3 – Return of the makeunder show fronted by Jenny Frost.
9.00pm Wine BBC4 – Series looking behind the scenes at Berry Brothers and Rudd, the oldest wine merchant in the world.
9.00pm Obama Inaugural Celebration Sky Arts – The concert in Washington to celebrate Barack Obama's presidential inauguration, starring Bruce Springsteen, U2, Beyonce and Stevie Wonder.
10.00pm The Shield Five USA – The seventh series of the US police drama starring Michael Chiklis, Benito Martinez, CCH Pounder, Catherine Dent and Walton Goggins.
10.35pm Bobsleigh Challenge BBC1 – Documentary following Dean Macey, Dan Luger, Jason Gardener and Craig MacLean as they attempt to enter the British bobsleigh championships with only 10 days' training.

Tuesday
8.00pm Freaky Eaters BBC3 – Return of the series in which nutritionist Charlotte Watts and psychological coach Felix Economakis help people with strange eating habits and food phobias and addictions, beginning with a bacon and burger addict.
8.00pm Mr and Mrs Wolf Five – Two-part documentary about Shaun Ellis, who lives with a pack of captive wolves in Devon.
8.30pm Vertical City More4 – Architecture expert Charlie Luxton looks at the world's most iconic skyscrapers, beginning with One Canada Square, in London's Canary Wharf.
9.00pm Mistresses BBC1 – A second six-part series of the drama about four thirtysomething friends. Stars Sarah Parish, Sharon Small, Orla Brady and Shelley Conn as steadfast doctor Katie, struggling single mum Trudi, high-flying solicitor Siobhan and fun-loving events organiser Jessica. With Raza Jaffrey, Adam Rayner, Patrick Baladi and Adam Astill as the men in their lives. Joining the cast are Steven Brand as Jack, Katie's old flame and new boss, Natasha Little as Jack's wife Megan and Oliver Milburn as Jessica's new man, Mark.
9.00pm Air Force One: Flying The President National Geographic
10.35pm Make Me Live Forever BBC1 – Quirky science documentary in which Michael Mosley finds out if he can live for ever.

Wednesday
7.00pm The Brits Red Carpet ITV2 – With Sara Cox, Rufus Hound, Nicole Appleton and Melanie Blatt.
8.00pm The Brit Awards 2009 ITV1 – Coverage of the ceremony presented by Kylie Minogue, James Corden and Mathew Horne. Features performances by U2, Coldplay, Girls Aloud, Take That, Kings of Leon, Duffy and Pet Shop Boys.
9.00pm Trouble in Amish Paradise BBC2
10.00pm The Beast Five USA – US drama series starring Patrick Swayze as an undercover FBI agent. With Travis Fimmel, Larry Gilliard Jr, Kevin J O'Connor and Lindsay Pulsipher.
10.00pm The Brits Encore ITV2 – With Sara Cox, Rufus Hound, Nicole Appleton and Melanie Blatt.
10.00pm The World's Strongest Child And Me Channel 4 – With comic Mark Dolan.

Thursday
8.00pm Rogue Traders BBC1 – Return of the consumer series with Matt Allwright and Dan Penteado.
8.00pm Hello Goodbye Sky1 – Series in which Kate Thornton meets people arriving or leaving Heathrow airport, focusing on emotional reunions and sad goodbyes.
8.00pm Shannon Matthews: The Disappearance Crime & Investigation
8.00pm Eddie Stobart: Smart Truckers ITV4
8.30pm Britain's Best Drives BBC4 – Actor Richard Wilson drives a range of classic Fifties cars on some of Britain's most beautiful routes.
9.00pm Penelope Keith and the Fast Lady BBC4 – Documentary in which Penelope Keith retraces a journey from London to Liverpool in 1905 by Dorothy Levitt, an Edwardian woman who wrote a guide for female motorists.
9.00pm Billy Connolly: Journey To The Edge of the World ITV1 – Four-parter following the Scottish comedian as he journeys across the Arctic Ocean's notorious North West Passage.
9.00pm Baby Borrowers US BBC3 – Series in which five American teenage couples learn parenting skills.
9.00pm Watching The Detectives Crime & Investigation – Series following New York's crime fighters
10.00pm Miracle Of The Hudson Plane Crash Channel 4 – Documentary about the crash of US Airways Flight 1549 into New York's Hudson river.
10.00pm Michael Smith's Drivetime BBC4 – Documentary in which the novelist and raconteur asks whether or not driving has changed us.
10.00pm Chandon Pictures Dave – Australian comedy about deluded film-maker Tom Chandon, Stars Robert Carlton, Darren Gilshenan, Julie Godfrey and Rebecca Massey.

Friday
8.00pm Motown at the BBC BBC4 – Appearances in BBC studios by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, Diana Ross and the Supremes, the Temptations, Stevie Wonder, the Four Tops and the Jackson 5.
9.00pm 30 Rock Five USA – Return of the sitcom set behind the scenes of a late-night sketch show. Stars Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan.
9.00pm Legends: The Motown Invasion BBC4
9.00pm Taggart ITV1
12.40am Tony Christie: Going Home Channel 4 – Documentary by Don Letts about the recording of Christie's album Made in Sheffield.

• Subject list
• Christianity: A History Kwame Kwei-Armah on the global growth. Channel 4, Sunday
• Explore Manila to Mindanao. BBC2, Sunday
• Dispatches Unemployment crisis. Channel 4, Monday
• Panorama Muslim First, British Second. BBC1, Monday
• Toffs and Crims The Gangster and the Pervert Peer. Channel 4, Monday
• Who Do You Think You Are? Rick Stein. BBC1, Monday
• Storyville Ghosts of the 7th Cavalry. BBC4, Monday
• Horizon Can We Make a Star on Earth? BBC2, Tuesday
• True Stories Graphic artist Johnny Hicklenton. More4, Tuesday
• The Culture Show The Kermode Awards, Waiting for Godot BBC2, Tuesday
• Nature's Great Events The Great Salmon Run. BBC1, Wednesday
• Movie Connections Local Hero. BBC1, Wednesday
• Cutting Edge Britain's Conjoined Twins: Hope and Faith. Channel 4, Thursday
• First Cut Home security systems. Channel 4, Friday
• Natural World A Farm for the Future. BBC2, Friday

Being Human, BBC3

Did we like it?
An unusually engaging drama that places the characters within a relatively conventional setting, in possession of very human needs and desires but offsets and complicates matters to exaggerate the mundane. It’s a tactic that occasionally smudges the very humanity the show is trying to emphasise through the supernatural mutations of its leads, but never strays anywhere near the romanticised gloop of more typical vampire tales.

What was good about it?
• The central premise is quite crude, bordering on the primitive, but it works wonderfully well through a melange of a sharp script and good acting. Consequently, even though each of the three principals – George the werewolf, Annie the ghost and Mitchell the vampire – essentially want for the same thing – to be normal – they are each distinct in their own right, complementing one another’s sense of belonging and alienation to the wider world.
• The trio persistently try and rein in their friends’ natural instincts to follow the more corrupting or amoral paths their supernatural idiosyncrasies compel them. For instance, Annie yearned to see her former lover Owen when he visited the house in his role of landlord, but was forbidden by George and Mitchell. Meanwhile, George’s new best fiend Tully (a fellow werewolf) led him astray, and seduced him into embracing his bestial nature rather than perceiving it as a curse, which created a schism with the other two.
• Mitchell, however, must constantly resist the temptation to return to the feckless bloodsucking ways of his kind; taunted on one hand by the local vampire leader Herrick – not bedecked in a cape and fine livery but instead a well-mannered copper who genially covers up his flock’s bloodier feasts – and on the other, the embittered and vengeful Lauren, whom Mitchell converted to a vampire in the pilot and who now wages a sadistic vendetta against him by murdering his date or sending him DVDs of her latest kill.
• And what sets Being Human apart from other fantastical dramas is that, while extrapolations, each of the flaws and miseries the characters must endure are drawn from the very pain that makes people human. Annie feels the anguish of a spurned lover, forever to be envious of her true love’s new girlfriend; George is the outsider, often by himself and mocked by society for his inherent gaucheness, and happy to work in a menial job to escape its scorn; while Mitchell’s foible is akin to that of a drug addict, always on the look out for the next hit, and fighting to resist the fall into the blissful eddy that makes it difficult for him to remember if he’s lived 25 or a 100 years, because each day feels the same as the last – numb.
• It’s not to say any of the characters are pampered by the script, often their weaknesses make for the best drama or comedy. Mitchell’s guilt over Lauren constantly eats away at his resistance to feed on blood, while George’s awkwardness and slow-wittedness were the source of some funny moments. As Owen visits the house, the hidden Annie makes a noise upstairs, after George investigates Owen asks him what made the noise. “It was a pigeon. I got rid of it by killing it with a shoe!” George bizarrely replies.
• Or when he is trying to charm the doomed Becca at the hospital, he compliments her on her new shampoo that he can smell with his wolf’s senses. “You smell like a polo!” he chirps, and encouraged by her smile he continues: “Have you got a hole?”
• While Annie practises haunting Owen after she tricks him into visiting in a posh Victorian ghost accent, because that’s her only experience with spectres other than herself.
• Dean Lennox Kelly as the mischievous and devious Tully, who tries to estrange George from his friends in order to acquire a companion of his own because of the loneliness of the long term werewolf. While slimy and conniving, there was also something pitiable about him especially after George rejected him.

What was bad about it?
• The scenes in which Mitchell must try and resist his bloodlust were muddied by the extraneous throb of pumping blood. We could see the conflict in his eyes as he wrestled the urge to seduce the hapless Becca.
• And as George frantically tried to find a safe place to transform away from inhabited areas, he was accompanied by Arctic Monkeys’ lyrical refrain of “they say he changes when the sun goes down” – too obvious for a drama that has taken a fairly original stance on the typical horror mythology.
• While we really enjoyed the first two episodes, we do worry a little for its narrative stamina as it has employed the plot device of some great coming storm of change sometime in the near future.

Minder, Five

Did we like it?
It's a long time since our viewing eyes visited Five (they've got a new logo since we last stopped by) but we were curious to see this much-advertised revival of the 1980s ITV comedy-drama hit (a show that largely passed us by back then). It wasn't a delight, but it wasn't a disaster. We may come by again.

What was good about it?
• The two stars formed a good partnership. Shane Richie as Arthur Daley's nephew Archie has the right sort of cheeky sparkle for a minor villain and Lex Shrapnel has the right sort of brooding menace as his sidekick Jamie. Just like George Cole and Dennis Waterman achieved in the old days.
• We didn't have to wait too long for a car chase. It didn't exactly reach thrilling speeds, but at least it ended with that classic comedy cliché when the taxi door apologetically crashed to the floor. (The subsequent fight, with Jamie taking on two thugs in suits, was embarassingly ridiculous, though)
• Archie and Jamie's battle against nasty property developers was a worthy cause that had us on their side.
• Lex (the grandson of Deborah Kerr, no less) looked very fetching in a combination of white vest, black pants and red socks.
• Archie’s stumbles with the English language (eg “This is not a time for levitation!” and "I am somewhat bereaved by that comment, Jamie") were made convincing by Richie.
• The reworking of I Could Be So Good For You, without the raucous vocals of Dennis Waterman, was a big improvement.
• John Henshaw as the corrupt councillor, no doubt added so there was at least one non-London voice on the show.

What was bad about it?
• This was very much just a remake rather than an attempt at reinvention, even though times have moved on. BBC1's Hustle has now occupied the same strata of London's dodgy dealing society with more style, more wit and better characters.
• Archie's relationship with a police – they turn a blind eye to his nefarious activities when it suits them – seemed very dated.
• The lack of extras on London's streets made it look a bit cheap (which it probably was).

Ladies of Letters, ITV3

Did we like it?
The comic exchange of letters between bitter widows has been a Radio 4 highlight for years and that's where it works best. However, this version did make a success of bringing Lou Wakefield and Carole Hayman's marvellous material to the screen.

What was good about it?
• Maureen Lipman and Anne Reid are not quite as good at playing protagonists Irene and Vera as Patricia Routledge and Prunella Scales, who took the radio roles. But they are not far behind and nearly equalled the acidic pairing of Scales with Geraldine McEwan in Mapp & Lucia.
• The scene in which the pair met at a wedding reception, doing a dishevelled tango before ending up sozzled (after "a quantity of liquid libation") beneath a trestle table.
• Adding visuals to the postal toing and froing was achieved well, mixing scenes of the woman writing their latest epistle (while sloshing gin or sherry) with recreations of episodes they were talking about. The most successful example was when "I tried your taramaslata dip on the vicar's wife. She said she'd never tasted anything like it." was linked to a scene of the woman vomiting into her handkerchief.
• The wonderful way that bitchiness between the women creeps in beneath a veneer of politeness.

What was bad about it?
• This is unlikely to win new fans to the Irene-Vera saga. But we're still glad that ITV3 made the effort.
• Viewers who've watched too much Victoria Wood over the years may already be bored by references to Petit 4s and irksome neighbours and lines such as "Next doors' compost heap spontaneously combusted. We've had words."

Celebrity Agency, MTV One

Did we like it?
Cheap'n'nasty people deserve to have cheap'n'nasty programmes made about them – and they sure did in this case, a series following "life" at Jonathan Lipman Ltd.

What was good about it?
• It may, but probably won't, serve as a warning to people who want to be famous but have no talent. Their destiny is hanging around in tacky nightclubs with tattooed blobs and orange slappers, or pretending their in-laws' home is there own so they can be photographed sitting on a sofa, or jumping in the air while waving a hose and showing off their legs. Beware.


What was bad about it?
• The tension and excitement was utterly absent. How late would Paris Hilton be for her £30,000 appearance at a London nightclub? (Very) How many faces could Imogen off Big Brother pull during a photoshoot with her footballer boyfriend? (Many) How excited could Bianca Gascoigne get while posing for tawdry lads mag photographs at a Manchester carwash? (Very)
• Jonathan (a handshaking ego on spindly legs with a spiky hairdo) and his cohorts in the agency appear to dervive some satisfaction from massaging the egos and being at the beck and call of imbeciles who are famous/fatuous for being famous. The fawning over Paris Hilton was especially sickening. Have these people no shame? Or brains? (None at all)
• That hopeless X factor girlband, Hope, were in it.

Moses Jones, BBC2

Did we like it?
This crept up rather unheralded on to BBC2. Were they ashamed of it? There was certainy no reason to be. This three-part police drama set amid the Ugandan community of London was gripping, dynamic, vivid and exciting. Plus it gave us a chance to rate Matt 'The New Who' Smith.

What was good about it?
• Shaun Parkes shone as Moses, the lugubrious Metropolitan police inspector caught up in the grizzly case of a chopped-up body found in a suitcase in the River Thames.
• Joe Penhall's offbeat story took us to parts of London never seen in other dramas – an immigrant community where paperwork isn't up to scratch, livings are scraped in horrendous circumstances (cleaning urinals as white men urinate above you) and violence overshadows almost every life (although not everyone suffers the misfortune that beset minicab controller Joe, who had his feet whacked with a hammer before being strung up to a ceiling fan).
• The film noir texture, with lots of energetic close-ups, mood setting shots, and dodgy, dark locations.
• The African music that adds urgency and foreboding throughout.

What was bad about it?
• Matt Smith as gawd-blimey London cop Twentyman was totally overshadowed by Parkes. Smith's performance wouldn't have been out of place in The Bill but wasn't good enough for this powerful, dark affair. Moses rightly gives him short shrift for “all this Famous Five, naive, idiot savant stuff".

Coming Up – new entries and updates

Desperate Romantics BBC2 – Drama series about a maverick group of English painters, poets and their muses in 19th-century London. Starring Aidan Turner as Dante Gabriel Rossetti, notorious for seducing his models; Rafe Spall as William 'Maniac' Hunt, a founding member of the Brotherhood; Tom Hollander as art critic and patron John Ruskin; Samuel Barnett as John Millais; Zoe Tapper as Effie Ruskin; Amy Manson plays Rossetti's true love Lizzie Siddal; Sam Crane as diarist Fred Walters; and Jennie Jacques as prostitute Annie Miller.

Charlie Brooker's News Wipe BBC4 – Six-part series in which the Guardian columnist exposes the inner workings of news media.

Emma BBC1 – Four-part drama based on Jane Austen’s 1815 novel, adapted by Sandy Welch.

True Blood Channel 4 – Terrestrial airing of the US drama from HBO. Created by Six Feet Under's Alan Ball, the 12-parter stars Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer

Generation Kill Channel 4 – Terrestrial airing of the US drama about the Iraq war from HBO.

Kayvan Novak show Channel 4 – Possible comedy prank show starring the star of The Fonejacker as various characters.

My Camp Rock Disney Channel UK – Four-part musical talent contest.

The Victorians BBC1 – Four-part series in which Jeremy Paxman delves into the lives of Victorian people.

Mistresses 2009 BBC1 – A second six-part series of the drama about four thirtysomething friends. Stars Sarah Parish, Sharon Small, Orla Brady and Shelley Conn as steadfast doctor Katie, struggling single mum Trudi, high-flying solicitor Siobhan and fun-loving events organiser Jessica. With Raza Jaffrey, Adam Rayner, Patrick Baladi and Adam Astill as the men in their lives. Joining the cast are Steven Brand as Jack, Katie's old flame and new boss, Natasha Little as Jack's wife Megan and Oliver Milburn as Jessica's new man, Mark.

Damages February 2009, BBC1 – Series two of the US legal thriller starring Glenn Close as high-stakes litigator Patty Hewes and Rose Byrne as her protegé Ellen Parsons . The 13-part run sees the arrival of William Hurt as a new client of Hewes, Marcia Gay Harden as an attorney who opposes Hewes in court, Timothy Olyphant as a man who becomes entangled in Ellen's life.

New Town Saturday 14 February 2009, BBC4 – Drama starring Max Bremer and Mark Gatiss set in Edinburgh where danger and desire is seething among the upper echelons of society. With Daniela Nardini, Gabriel Quigley, Paul Higgins, John Bett, Omid Djalili, Rose Leslie and Edith MacArthur.

Oops TV! Monday 16 February 2009 Sky1 – A 50-part daily series voiced by Justin Lee Collins featuring funny home videos, YouTube clips, sporting bloopers and TV out-takes.

Hello Goodbye Thursday 19 February 2009, Sky1 – Series in which Kate Thornton meets people arriving or leaving Heathrow airport, focusing on emotional reunions and sad goodbyes.

Watching The Detectives Thursday 19 February 2009, Crime & Investigation – Series following New York's crime fighters

Just Read Sunday 8 February 2009, BBC4 – Documentary in which Michael Rosen, the Children's Laureate, tries to get reluctant young readers to be passionate about books.

Bullet Catchers Thursday 12 February 2009, ITV4 – Documentary about celebrity bodyguards.

The Grammy Awards Monday 9 February 2009, ITV2 – Coverage from Los Angeles.

Coleen's Real Women Tuesday 10 February 2009, ITV2 – Series two of Coleen Rooney's fashion makeover show, narrated by Fearne Cotton.

Battle of the Brains Monday 9 February 2009, BBC2 – Return of the quiz show, with new host Nicky Campbell.

We Need Answers Thursday 12 February 2009, BBC4 – Comedy quiz hosted by Mark Watson, Tim Key and Alex Horne based on a successful show at the Edinburgh Fringe.

In The Line Of Fire Tuesday 10 February 2009, ITV1 – Two-part documentary following the Metropolitan police's firearms division, CO19.

Minder Wednesday 4 February 2009, Five – Six-part revival of the 1980s drama series, with Shane Richie playing the role of Archie Daley, London wheeler-dealer Arthur Daley's nephew, with Lex Shrapnel as Archie's minder Jamie Collins. The original starred George Cole and Dennis Waterman and ran for 15 years. Made by Talkback Thames.

Rehab Wednesday 4 February 2009, LivingTV – Reality series in which former stars get treatment at the Passages rehabilitation clinic in Malibu. Features models Alicia Douvall and Cassie Sumner, ex-Bay City Roller Les McKeown, X Factor contestant Rowetta Satchell, musician Robin Le Mesurier, US soap star Sean Kanan and comic Victoria Sellers.

Nature's Great Events Wednesday 11 Feburary 2009, BBC1 – Six-part series narrated by David Attenborough featuring footage of the planet's most dramatic wildlife spectacles from the flooding of the Okavango Delta to the summer melt of Arctic ice, the emergence of grizzly bear cubs and the gathering of dolphins and sharks off the coast of South Africa.

Iran and the West Saturday 7 February 2009, BBC2 – Three-part documentary series on Iran and its relationship with the western world. Contributors include Jimmy Carter, ex-President Khatami, Madeleine Albright, Warren Christopher, George Shultz, Jack Straw and Walter Mondale.

Toffs and Crims Monday 9 February 2009, Channel 4 – A four-part series on the affinity between the upper crust and criminals beginning with The Princess and the Gangster, about Princess Margaret's association with violent criminal John Bindon.

Who Killed Scarlett? Thursday 12 February 2009, Channel 4 – Documentary about the murder of 15 year-old Scarlett Keeling in Goa.

Free Agents Friday 13 February 2009, Channel 4 – Six-part romantic comedy written by Chris Neil, starring Stephen Mangan and Sharon Horgan as Alex and Helen, a couple in an on-but-mostly-off romance who work together as talent agents, with Anthony Head as their boss. Commissioned after a successful pilot on Friday 9 November 2007.

Album Chart Friday 13 February 2009, Channel 4 – Return of the music show hosted by Sara Cox, featuring performances from The Script, The View, Seasick Steve and Lady Gaga.

The Old Guys, BBC1

Did we like it?
Coming from the comedy genius minds of Sam Bain and Jesse Armstrong (Peep Show) and Simon Blackwell (The Thick Of It), we were hoping for Peep Show with a Bus Pass and Arthritis. And we almost got it. But the tone was wrong (nowhere near dark enough or real enough) and, instead of being fresh and funny, it was just another humdrum BBC1 sitcom.

What was good about it?
• The quality of the script was fine – and when we imagined ancient versions of Mark and Jeremy delivering the lines, it was very funny. But Roger Lloyd Pack (as the Jeremy-like, anarchic Tom) and Clive Swift (as the Mark-like straight-laced Roy) turned in very traditional comedy performances to prevent it achieving its potential.
• Jane Asher often annoys us but she was passable as the sex symbol (yes, really) neighbour Sally. One of the episode's funnier moments came when she caught Tom and Roy urinating in her kitchen sink.
• The funniest moment came when Tom – who had burnt his mouth in a convoluted sandwich-maker scene – appeared to be mocking Sally's speech-impeded son Steve.
• The funny lines included Amber's "I'm neutral Switzerland rather than slutty Holland" and Tom's protest: "Stop saying I had a fall - I fell. Old people have a fall: Oh, no, nan's had a fall let's shoot her and put her house on the market.' I simply tripped up, like footballers do - this is a sports injury!"
• There is a chance that we'll enjoy it more now we've met the characters. And it is a lot better than most BBC sitcom newcomers this century.

What was bad about it?
• The chalk'n'cheese flatmates characterisation was clumsy, leading merely to petty conflict rather than Jeremy-Mark nuclear explosions.
• Katherine Parkinson tackles the part of Tom's daughter Amber in much the same unhinged, funny-voiced manner as she plays Jen in The IT Crowd.
• The you'll-wee-before-me strongest bladder contest "plotline". Tiresome and childish.
• The party invite "plotline". Hackneyed and predictable.
• The tumble over the recycling bins. It was set up so blatantly, Tom's fall came as no suprise whatsoever.
• The laughter track. Would have been better without it.

Not Going Out, BBC1

Did we like it?
Series three of the one BBC1 sitcom we like got off to a rather unremarkable start.

What was good about it?
• The usual sprinkling of fine one-liners and the lovely aerial shots of London (oh look, there's our house).
• Tim Vine's Tim was as wonderfully pompous as ever.
• Miranda Hart as the useless cleaner Barbara is still great value in her few scenes. Best line: "I see dad people"
• The daft scene in the baby shop with Lee struggling to put the block in the right hole in the toy designed for infants and Tim going flying.
• Silly but funny exchanges such as: "I'm pregnant." "How do you know?" "A woman knows these things" "What woman?"
• It seems that we've seen the back of Guy, Lucy's older lover. The jokes about him/them were wearing thin.

What was bad about it?
• Lee Mack's Lee is so lovable but this week he was just annoyingly idiotic, worrying that he'd made flatmate Lucy pregnant ("got a muffin in the breadbin") because she shared the bathwater he'd ejaculated into during a relaxing wank. The weakness of this show was at the forefront: poor storylines.
• Sally Bretton acts like she's in a 1970s sitcom.
• The talking bathroom doorlock gags.
• As usual, we've got a gripe with the laughter track.