Red Riding, Channel 4

Did we like it?
Channel 4's tenuous grip on credibility receives a shot in the arm with this amazing, serious drama set in the 1970s – a bit like Life on Mars with many more layers of depth but without any of the laughs, not even a hint of a smile. It's not a flawless adaptation of David Peace's novels (don't believe all of the hype) but there probably won't be any better home-made dramas on TV this year.

What was good about it?
• This is TV's most stunning, dark conspiracy plot since State of Play involving John Mason (menacingly, swaggeringly played by Sean Bean), a corrupt, murdering property developer who has everyone with any power in his pocket, a swish 1970s home called Shangrila, a wife he has driven to dementia and impressive sideburns (all the men have impressive sideburns).
• The mood was brutal and grim, not in a grim-oop-north clichéd way, but achieved through the lighting (the lack thereof), the scary score, the misery etched in the faces of all the characters, the mumbled, and thus authentic, conversations (boy we had to listen hard) and the car parks.
• If Sean Bean doesn't pick up the prize, Andrew Garfield should add to his Bafta award for Boy A with his performance as Yorkshire Post reporter Eddie Dunford whose desire to live up to his Scoop nickname led him, in his grot-coloured Vauxhall Viva, into a pit of nastiness.
• Lots of cigarette smoking. As choketastic as in Mad Men.
• The soundtrack reflected the 1970s without going for the easy, cheesy options – we even got King Crimson (who we gather are prog rock legends)
• The torture scenes. No holds barred.
• The flares.
• The ending. No easy option taken there. Indeed, every time a glimmer of hope or redemption shone in, it was immediately slammed out.

What was bad about it?
• Life in the Yorkshire Post offices never seemed to tally with how newspapers really are/were run.
• The levels of police and town hall corruption – "This is the north son, we do what we like" – reached heights that were frankly unbelievable. Some of the characters emerged as a bit too thin as a result.
• At times, it seemed the makers were trying too hard to impress – every second had to be filled with something meaningful and significant, yet a few moments when we could ease up would have been appreciated.

Stylista, Five

Did we like it?
Another pungent vomit trail retched up from the moribund guts of the reality TV show’ genre’, with the noxious stench of rehearsals, scripted responses and pantomime villains.

What was good about it?
The unwitting irony of the sole occasion in which someone spoke proper English – a Chinese shopkeeper – and not a grotesque vernacular drenched in spite and commerce it was ‘necessary’ for there to be subtitles.

What was bad about it?
• Reality TV shows are terminally sick; everyone knows how they work now – the producers, the viewers and the contestants. This means that every new show is simply everyone dumbly playing out their roles in a charade – the producers engineer conflict with all the subtle spontaneity of a bored steamroller; the candidates squabble and bleat for attention while baring their teeth to devour their televisual siblings with all the ravenous bestial instinct of tiger sharks in the womb; and the viewers are expected to liberate any vestige of cerebral impulse to be piqued to fury by the scripted antics of the contestants and producers.
• The prize on offer of a year’s internship on Elle magazine does offer a novel facet as the candidates will be sliced from the gluttonous rump of humanity. And perhaps the hope was that the programme will appeal to people who actually read Elle magazine, who are among those who still are sucked in by such a facile premise as reality TV.
• The conceit of the long walk, here by one of the human machetes who masquerade as journalists in the shape of Brett. Her job is to approach from an unnecessarily far distance while the camera flits and pans to the petrified faces of the candidates (although these shots could easily be imported from elsewhere, and who would know the difference?).
• For their first task this week, the candidates had to dress a mannequin. Brett opened up the Elle wardrobe for them to pillage for clothes and jewellery. It cut to two of the female candidates grinning at one another, as women are supposed to do when confronted by clothes – but again, this could have been an insert.
• “The closet is just crazy!” exclaimed Devin. This single statement opened up two more septic wounds of Stylista.
• The first is that many of the candidates have stupid names, the kind of grandiose appellations delusional parents give to their offspring as if to usher them into a life of unique genius through a superficial label. Devin was one of the better names; there was DyShaun, but the worst was Cologne.
• But it doesn’t matter what their name was they were all complicit in that reality TV staple of people who aren’t very good at something being shown up how weak they are and then scorned by the experts who are supposedly good at something.
• Here, however, the chasm was wider than usual. Ostensibly, these candidates are applying for a job as journalists. And while fashion journalists are the maggots squirming about the innards of the rotten carcass as far as the media hierarchy is concerned, you would imagine that they at least appreciated the glory of language.
• Not so. They are all beholden to the plagues of idiocy. Locust swarms of ‘Ohmygods”, blistering boils of “inspirational” to describe someone who wasn’t dressed in designer clothes yet seemed to be happy; insults that putrefy the mind with their banality, “You’re Rosemary’s Baby!”.
• Bloody rivers of redundant adjectives: “definitely inspirational”, and “Jason had the task to do the pictures, he literally took that literally…”; the diseased livestock of dubious spirituality, “Karma is a serious thing…”; the lice of facsimiled emotion, “Jason, you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met”; and the fiery hail of inarticulate, juvenile animalistic expression, “I want to drop-kick Kate in the face…”
• This exposes the assumption that these people have been chosen for journalistic talent, but more for their capacity to bicker with their peers (but when is that not the case?). Although, given the absence of talent and imagination in the ‘creative’ team of Elle, perhaps they’re ideal for the position.
• Editor Anne Slowey attaches scorn to her face in the same mechanical way as henchmen of the inquisition bricked up suspected witches. While her words leave her mouth with all the grace and flexibility of overtaking cars on the autobahn. And she dismissed Jason with the valediction of, “You’re not the right fit!” as though he were a jigsaw piece.
• Her assistant Brett told the candidates to “start strategising”, the sort of word that should have been chained to Atlantis before it sunk. While you couldn’t boil a teaspoon of imagination from the essences of ‘creative director’ Joe Zee. But worst senior fashion editor Joann Pailey, whose voice resounds and grates like a damned soul knocking on the exit doors of Hell for all eternity.
• As expected, some of the candidates ushered their peers into rooms for a private chat, ie bitch, which just happened to be caught on camera. This reached an appalling zenith when the fragile Jason seemed to have a panic attack. As he lay writhing on the floor the camera captured every last abasing convulsion. Was it genuine? Perhaps, but we only believe this because the rest of the candidates are abysmal actors. Although again they all seemed to have pre-cast roles in Jason’s trauma. Ashlie, a ‘good person’ assumed her role as offering solace to Jason the pity magnet, while the ‘evil’ Megan affected a stage-school aloofness.

Coming Up – new entries and updates

Being Human BBC3 – A second, eight-part series about a flatsharing ghost, werewolf and vampire, written by Toby Whithouse. Stars Russell Tovey, as George, a mild-mannered hospital porter who, for one night a month, becomes a werewolf, Aidan Turner as the laid-back Mitchell who becomes a blood-sucking vampire and Lenora Crichlow as Anna, a talkative ghost who has no self-confidence.

All the Small Things (previously listed as The Choir) BBC1 – Six-part drama series written by Debbie Horsfield following the ups and downs of members of a choir in a northern England town. Stars Sarah Lancashire as the enthusiastic Esther, Neil Pearson as her husband Michael, the inspiring choirmaster, Richard Fleeshman as their musically-gifted son Kyle, Bryan Dick as young curate Jake, Sarah Alexander as glamorous soprano Layla, who destroys the harmony in all sorts of ways, Annette Badland as Ethel Tonks, Clive Rowe as Clifford 'Shrek' Beale, Melanie Kilburn as Olive Halsall, Niky Wardley as Louise 'Lulu' Pryke and Roy Barraclough as Reverend Barticle.

Lark Rise To Candleford BBC1 – A third series of Bill Gallagher's adaptation of Flora Thompson's memoir of her Oxfordshire childhood, starring Julia Sawalha, Olivia Hallinan, Jason Merrells, Brendan Coyle, Olivia Grant, Mark Heap and Ruby Bentall.

Five Days BBC1 – A second-series of the crime drama starring Hugh Bonneville and Jane McTeer as detectives DSI Iain Barclay and DI Amy Foster.

Criminal Justice BBC1 – A second series of the drama exploring the criminal justice system from start to finish.

Bromance Sunday 29 March 2009, MTV – US reality show in which Brody Jenner, who gained fame in reality show The Hills, finds a friend to join his entourage.

Coach Trip Channel 4 – Return of the reality show in which tour guide Brendon takes a coach of tourists on a six-week trip around Europe, with passengers voting to remove their fellow tourists from the trip each day.

The Life and Death of a Mobile Phone BBC4 – Documentary about one woman's relationship with her mobile phone.

Countryfile BBC1 – The rural magazine moves to a Sunday teatime slot with new presenters, Julia Bradbury and Matt Baker. John Craven remains as a reporter.

The Stephen K Amos Show BBC – Pilot sketch comedy show.

The Lucy Montgomery Show BBC – Pilot sketch comedy show.

Taste The Nation Monday 16 March 2009, ITV1 – Series hosted by Nick Hancock in which teams of amateur cooks representing UK regions compete, with a celebrity chef captaining the team.

Dexter Sunday 26 April 2009, FX – Series three of the US crime drama starring Michael C Hall.

The Mentalist Thursday 26 March 209, Five – US crime drama starring Simon Baker as Patrick Jane, an independent consultant with the California Bureau of Investigation.

Don't Get Screwed BBC3 – Hidden camera show capturing reactions to poor customer service.

The Grown-Up Girls BBC3 – Series in which teenage girls face dilemmas such as abortion, rehab, leaving school, having plastic surgery and losing their virginity.

Diets That Don't Work BBC3 – Documentary about extreme dieting.

Trust Me, I'm a Dealer BBC2 – Series in which expert Paul Martin invests viewers' money in buying, restoring and selling objects.

The Seven Ages of Britain BBC1 – Series in which David Dimbleby explores Britain's art heritage.

Landscape Man Channel 4 – Series presented by the Royal Horticultural Society's Matthew Wilson in which six families turn their landscape designs into reality.

Electric Dreams BBC4 – Three-part documentary series in which a family's home is turned into a typical 1970s household, with new gadgets being added each day to make it up to date.

Credit Crunch Monty Sky1 – Programme following a group of unemployed men form a troupe of male strippers.

Legacy BBC2 – Series presented by Gerry Robinson offering advice on wills.

Children's Emergency BBC1 – Eight-part series following the work of medical staff working for the Children's Acute Transport Service and Great Ormond Street, St Mary's and Royal Brompton hospitals.

Skippy BBC – Documentary about the Australian TV show Skippy the Bush Kangaroo.

Divided ITV1 – Teatime quiz show in which three strangers have to work together for a share of a cash prize.

The Apprentice Wednesday 25 March 2009, BBC1 – Series five of the business reality programme in which businessman Sir Alan Sugar, helped by Nick Hewer and Margaret Mountford, searches for a new member of staff.

The Apprentice – You're Fired! Wednesday 25 March 2009, BBC2 – Return of the series in which Adrian Chiles interviews the person sacked from The Apprentice.

Design For Life BBC2 – Series in which design guru Philippe Starck chooses 12 British designers to join his design school in Paris, and ones gets a six-month placement at his agency.

102 Minutes That Changed America Monday 23 March 2009, History Channel – Documentary on the 9/11 attacks on America.

18 Pregnant Schoolgirls (previously listed as American Pregnancy Cult) Tuesday 17 March 2009, BBC3 – Documentary investigating whether 18 teenage girls from the same US Catholic school who all became pregnant at the same time made a pact.

I, Samurai Sunday 15 March 2009, BBC4 – Andrew Graham-Dixon explores the art of the Samurai.

Tom Driberg and Me: A Personal Portrait by William G Stewart Thursday 19 March 2009, BBC4 – The TV producer and presenter investigates the allegation that journalist and MP Tom Driberg, who died in 1976, was a KGB spy.

Yellowstone Sunday 15 March 2009, BBC2 – Series looking at the wilidlife in America's Yellowstone, the most extensive thermal area on Earth.

Genius Friday 20 March 2009, BBC2 – Six-part series in which Dave Gorman and a celebrity guest – Catherine Tate in the opener – discuss daft ideas pitched by members of the public.

The Hottest Place on Earth Thursday 14 March 2009, BBC1 – Documentary about the Danakil desert in northern Ethiopia.

The Big Tackle with Austin Healey Sunday 15 March 2009, ITV4 – Six-part series in which the former England rugby union star attempts to change the fortunes of five struggling clubs.

The Justin Lee Collins Show Thursday 19 March 2009, ITV2 – Chat show featuring celebrity interviews, games with the studio audience and karaoke.

Holloway Tuesday 17 March 2009, ITV1 – Three-part series looking inside Holloway Prison, Europe's largest female jail.

Extraordinary People Wednesday 18 March 2009, Five –The documentary series exploring remarkable stories returns with The World's Oldest Conjoined Twins.

The Unit Wednesday 18 March 2009, Virgin 1 – Series four of the US drama about a special forces team. Stars Dennis Haysbert, Scott Foley, Robert Patrick, Michael Irby and Demore Barnes.

Peter Kay: Raider of the Pop Charts Sunday 15 March 2009, Channel 4 – The story of comic Peter Kay’s chart successes with contributions by Sir Michael Parkinson, Gary Barlow, Matt Lucas, Richard Curtis and Mr Blobby.

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee Saturday 14 March 2009, More4 – Drama starring Anna Paquin, Chevez Ezaneh and August Schellenberg about how American Indians were displaced as the US expanded west.

Living with the Dead Tuesday 17 March 2009, LivingTV – Paranormal show in which mediums Johnnie Fiori and Ian Lawless visit haunted homes in Britain, beginning with comedian Freddie Starr's home.

Most Shocking Drivers Out of Control Monday 16 March 2009, Bravo

Jade's Wedding Thursday 12 March 2009, LivingTV – Coverage of Jade Goody's wedding to Jack Tweed as the reality TV star deals with terminal cancer.

The Big Red Nose Climb Thursday 12 March 2009, BBC1 – Coverage of the fundraising event in which celebrities – Alesha Dixon, Ben Shephard, Cheryl Cole, Chris Moyles, Denise Van Outen, Fearne Cotton, Gary Barlow, Kimberley Walsh and Ronan Keating – climb Mount Kilimanjaro.

Comic Relief Does The Apprentice Thursday 12 March 2009, BBC1 – Sir Alan Sugar sets a challenge for 10 celebrities – Michelle Mone, Patsy Palmer, Fiona Phillips, Carol Vorderman, Ruby Wax, Alan Carr, Jack Dee, Gerald Ratner, Jonathan Ross and Gok Wan – to raise money for Comic Relief.

I've Never Seen Star Wars Thursday 12 March 2009, BBC4 – Series hosted by Marcus Brigstocke in which celebrities are invited to try five new cultural experiences, beginning with Clive Anderson.

Do it Yourself: The Story of Rough Trade Friday 13 March 2009, BBC4 – Documentary about the record shop and record company. Followed by Rough Trade at the BBC featurinbg music by the Smiths, Robert Wyatt, Violent Femmes, Pulp and Antony and the Johnsons.

The Satanic Verses Affair Saturday 7 March 2009, BBC2 – Documentary about the order to kill novelist Salman Rushdie.

Priceless Antiques Roadshow Monday 9 March 2009, BBC2 – A 15-part series featuring classic finds from the series, presented by Fiona Bruce.

The Plant Addicts Friday 13 March 2009, BBC2 – Carol Klein discusses her passion for plants.

Unreported World Friday 13 March 2009, Channel 4 – Return of the foreign affairs series, beginiing with a report on violence in the Congo.

Dirty Sexy Money Sunday 8 March 2009, E4 – Series two of the US drama starring Peter Krause as a lawyer.

Baroque! - From St Peter's to St Paul's Wednesday 11 March 2009, BBC4 – Three-part series in which art critic Waldemar Januszczak explores the Baroque tradition of art.

Countrywise Thursday 12 March 2009, ITV1 – A 36-part series about about Britain's heritage, landscapes and people, presented by Paul Heiney.

Shane Richie: Make Me Irish Tuesday 17 March 2009, Sky1 – Shane Richie tries his hand at a variety of traditional Irish activities from jigging to fishing.

The No.1 Ladies' Detective Agency Sunday 15 March 2009, BBC1 – Six-part series based on Alexander McCall-Smith best-selling novels set in Botswana, starring Jill Scott as Precious Ramotswe, the proprietor of the country's only female-owned detective agency. With Anika Noni Rose as her faithful secretary Mma Makutsi,, Desmond Dube as flamboyant hairdresser BK, Lucian Msamati as JLB Matekoni and Paterson Joseph as fellow private detective Cephas Buthelezi.

Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle Monday 16 March 2009, BBC2 – Six-part series in which the comedian tackles various themes, beginning with toilet books, in a stand-up routine, illustrated with sketches featuring an ensemble cast: Tony Law, Tara Flynn, Paul Putner, Kevin Eldon, Miles Jupp, Simon Munnery, Job Angus and Michael Redmond. Peter Serafinowicz provides the voiceover.

Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps Sunday 15 March 2009, BBC3 – After the Comic Relief special, the sitcom starring Natalie Casey, Sheridan Smith, Thomas Nelstrop, Will Mellor, Kathryn Drysdale and Luke Gell returns for a new seven-part run.

Missing Live Monday 16 March 2009, BBC1 – Series presented by Louise Minchin and Rav Wilding following missing persons investigations.

Missing Monday 16 March 2009, BBC1 – A week-long drama series set in a police missing persons unit, starring Pauline Quirke as charismatic police detective DS Mary Jane Croft, Mark Wingett, Pooja Shah and Felix Scott.

In Search Of Wabi Sabi With Marcel Theroux Monday 16 March 2009, BBC4 – The author travels across Japan in an attempt to discover the beauty of things imperfect, impermanent and incomplete – the literal meaning of "wabi sabi".

Sofa Surfers Monday 16 March 2009, CBBC – A week-long series about some of the 130,000 children in the UK who do not have a permanent home.

Runaways Thursday 19 March 2009, BBC1 – Three-part drama about child runaways, made by Paul Wilmshurst, starring William Miller and Saffron Coomber as Sean and Molly who meet on the streets and fall into the clutches of a deceptive stranger.

The Birth Of British Music May 2009, BBC2 – Four-part series in which conductor Charles Hazlewood explores the development of British music through the lives and music of Henry Purcell, George Frideric Handel, Joseph Haydn and Felix Mendelssohn.

Great British Menu BBC2 – Two more series of the culinary challenge.

Made In Britain June 2009, Blighty – Five-parter in which Dom Joly travels the British Isles to find clothes and items for his home all made in Britain.

Save Our Boozer Blighty – Five-part series in which millionaire landlord Jay Smith leads five communities as they revamp their stricken pubs.

The Listener Sunday 8 March 2009, FX – Canadian supernatural drama series starring Craig Olejnik as Toby Logan, a 24-year-old paramedic who can read people's thoughts and solves crimes. With Ennis Esmer as Osman Bey.

Dancing With The Stars Thursday 12 March 2009, Watch – Series eight of the US talent show.

Toyboize Monday 9 March 2009, Dave – Five-part series of five-minute shorts, orginally aired on ther internet, about a child pop band attempting a comeback. Mde by the sketch group Navelgazing, which includes The Office stars Ewen MacIntosh and Jamie Deeks. Ricky Gervais helped write the show’s theme song I Like You Girl.

The TV Week – 14-20 March 2009

Saturday
10.55am Lily Allen Special Channel 4
7.00pm U2 at the BBC BBC3
8.00pm Timewatch - Captain Cook: The Man Behind the Legend BBC2
9.00pm DevFest Channel 4 – Three episodes of Skins starring Dev Patel, followed by The Making of Slumdog Millionaire.
9:00pm Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee More4 – Drama starring Anna Paquin, Chevez Ezaneh and August Schellenberg about how American Indians were displaced as the US expanded west.
9.00pm The Lost World of Communism BBC2 – Documentary in which people tell their stories of life behind the Iron Curtain.
10.00pm Viva Joe Strummer Biography

Sunday
7.30pm The Big Tackle with Austin Healey ITV4 – Six-part series in which the former England rugby union star attempts to change the fortunes of five struggling clubs.
8.00pm Yellowstone BBC2 – Series looking at the wilidlife in America's Yellowstone, the most extensive thermal area on Earth.
9.00pm The No.1 Ladies' Detective Agency BBC1 – Six-part series based on Alexander McCall-Smith best-selling novels set in Botswana, starring Jill Scott as Precious Ramotswe, the proprietor of the country's only female-owned detective agency. With Anika Noni Rose as her faithful secretary Mma Makutsi,, Desmond Dube as flamboyant hairdresser BK, Lucian Msamati as JLB Matekoni and Paterson Joseph as fellow private detective Cephas Buthelezi.
9.00pm Peter Kay: Raider of the Pop Charts Channel 4 – The story of comic Peter Kay’s chart successes with contributions by Sir Michael Parkinson, Gary Barlow, Matt Lucas, Richard Curtis and Mr Blobby.
9.00pm I, Samurai BBC4 – Andrew Graham-Dixon explores the art of the Samurai.
9.00pm Amy Winehouse Biography
10.00pm Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps BBC3 – After the Comic Relief special, the sitcom starring Natalie Casey, Sheridan Smith, Thomas Nelstrop, Will Mellor, Kathryn Drysdale and Luke Gell returns for a new seven-part run.

• Guest list
• Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway ITV1, Saturday
• Sheila Hancock on Piers Morgan Life Stories ITV1, Sunday
• Visage on Pop Goes the Band, LivingTV, Monday
• Specactle: Elvis Costello With... Herbie Hancock Channel 4, Tuesday
• Songbook Gary Kemp Sky Arts, Thursday
• Ronnie Corbett and Ricky Gervais on The Graham Norton Show BBC2, Thursday
• John Humphrys on I've Never Seen Star Wars BBC4, Thursday
• David Mitchell, Rich Hall, Jimmy Carr and Alan Davies on QI, BBC1, Friday
• Michael Sheen, Lionel Richie, Vin Diesel, Sparks on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross BBC1, Friday
• The Wombats, Keane, Frankmusik and The Hours on The Album Chart Show Channel 4, Friday

Monday
9.15am Missing Live BBC1 – Series presented by Louise Minchin and Rav Wilding following missing persons investigations.
2.15pm Missing BBC1 – A week-long drama series set in a police missing persons unit, starring Pauline Quirke as charismatic police detective DS Mary Jane Croft, Mark Wingett, Pooja Shah and Felix Scott.
5.00pm Taste The Nation ITV1 – Series hosted by Nick Hancock in which teams of amateur cooks representing UK regions compete, with a celebrity chef captaining the team.
6.30pm Sofa Surfers CBBC – A week-long series about some of the 130,000 children in the UK who do not have a permanent home.
9.00pm In Search Of Wabi Sabi With Marcel Theroux BBC4 – The author travels across Japan in an attempt to discover the beauty of things imperfect, impermanent and incomplete – the literal meaning of "wabi sabi".
9.00pm Without a Trace Hallmark – Beginning a rerun of the US drama series about the FBI missing persons squad in New York.
9.00pm Most Shocking Drivers Out of Control Bravo
10.00pm Stewart Lee's Comedy Vehicle BBC2 – Six-part series in which the comedian tackles various themes, beginning with toilet books, in a stand-up routine, illustrated with sketches featuring an ensemble cast: Tony Law, Tara Flynn, Paul Putner, Kevin Eldon, Miles Jupp, Simon Munnery, Job Angus and Michael Redmond. Peter Serafinowicz provides the voiceover.

Tuesday
7.30pm The Simpsons Sky1 – In The Name Of The Grandfather in which the Simpsons travel to Ireland.
8.00pm Shane Richie: Make Me Irish Sky1 – Shane Richie tries his hand at a variety of traditional Irish activities from jigging to fishing.
9.00pm Living with the Dead LivingTV – Paranormal show in which mediums Johnnie Fiori and Ian Lawless visit haunted homes in Britain, beginning with comedian Freddie Starr's home.
9.00pm Holloway ITV1 – Three-part series looking inside Holloway Prison, Europe's largest female jail.
9.00pm 18 Pregnant Schoolgirls BBC3 – Documentary investigating whether 18 teenage girls from the same US Catholic school who all became pregnant at the same time made a pact.
10.30pm Tim Marlow On... Picasso Sky Arts
10.35pm Will Young: The South Bank Show ITV1

Wednesday
9.00pm Extraordinary People Five –The documentary series exploring remarkable stories returns with The World's Oldest Conjoined Twins.
9.00pm Black Panthers National Geographic – Documentary about America's largest organised black separatist movement.
10.00pm The Unit Virgin 1 – Series four of the US drama about a special forces team. Stars Dennis Haysbert, Scott Foley, Robert Patrick, Michael Irby and Demore Barnes.

Thursday
4.05pm Runaways BBC1 – Three-part drama about child runaways, made by Paul Wilmshurst, starring William Miller and Saffron Coomber as Sean and Molly who meet on the streets and fall into the clutches of a deceptive stranger.
8.00pm Wendy Richard: To Tell You the Truth BBC1
9.00pm Tom Driberg and Me: A Personal Portrait by William G Stewart BBC4 – The TV producer and presenter investigates the allegation that journalist and MP Tom Driberg, who died in 1976, was a KGB spy.
9.00pm The Hottest Place on Earth BBC1 – Documentary about the Danakil desert in northern Ethiopia.
10.00pm The Justin Lee Collins Show ITV2 – Chat show featuring celebrity interviews, games with the studio audience and karaoke. Guests are Billie Piper, Catherine Tate and Kevin James.

Friday
8.00pm No Grounds for Gardening BBC2 – Garden designer Joe Swift attempts to add green space to Britain's city streets.
10.00pm Genius BBC2 – Six-part series in which Dave Gorman and a celebrity guest – Catherine Tate in the opener – discuss daft ideas pitched by members of the public.

• Subject list
• Panorama Crime Pays. BBC1, Monday
• Dispatches Pakistan's Taliban Generation Channel 4, Monday
• Cutting Edge Bailiffs. Channel 4, Monday
• Horizon Who Do you Want Your Child to Be? wirth David Baddiel. BBC2, Tuesday
• True Stories Tears, Tiaras and Transsexuals More4, Tuesday
• The Culture Show Picasso. BBC2, Tuesday
• Nature's Great Events The Great Feast BBC1, Wednesday
• Unreported World Cambodia: Selling the Killing Fields. Channel 4, Friday

Heston’s Victorian Feast, Channel 4

Did we like it?
Despite the exotic food served up by the Fat Duck chef, we were bored by the opening programme in this series of exotic feasts.

What was good about it?
• Heston Blumenthal's culinary creations are marvellous (although we'd probably prefer a nice plate of egg and chips). We couldn't help admiring the audacity of the Lewis Carroll-inspired Mad Hatter's tea party comprising a Drink Me potion combining toffee, buttered toast, custard, cherry pie and turkey; a mock turtle soup involving a frozen watch fob and an egg fashioned from turnip with a swede mousse topping; an edible Victorian kitchen garden, with gravel (smoked eel, tapioca and waffle crumbs), soil (olives, grape nuts and pumpkin seeds), pebbles (potatoes) and fried crickets and mealworms (the real thing which actually caused little alarm in these days of Bushtucker Trials and Bruce Parry); and absinthe jelly with a vibrator inside.
• The attempt to get some old biddies in a garden centre to taste an edible pot plant was a reasonable recreation of the times when Esther Rantzen used to bother old people with strange food on That's Life. "If we die of poisoning, before we die, can we come and have a meal at your place?" asked one of them, illogically (but amusingly in light of the recent Fat Duck closure after a food poioning scare).

What was bad about it?
• The "celebrity" diners. Jemma Redgrave made a couple of interesting points but Dawn Porter, Richard Bacon, Rageh Omaar, Kathy "not at all funny" Lette and Toby Young were restricted to a few MMMs and oh-my-Gods.
• Heston Blumenthal avoids being a quirky jerk unlike other TV chefs. But his avoidance goes so far that he's quite boring – a magician who is nothing without his tricks.
• Comfort zone cliché alert: "I think my creative juices flow best when I'm pulled out of my comfort zone," Heston said.
• Hyperbole overload: "I'm on a mission." "I'm on a food adventure." "I passionately believe I can create a once-in-a-lifetime feast" "Throw away your cookbooks and don't try this at home."
• C- lit crit of the week: Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland is the “quintessential Victorian novel”, Heston opined. Wrongly.
• It's nowhere near as entertaining as the similar Supersizers featuring Sue Perkins and Giles Coren on BBC4.