Coming Up – new entries and updates

Ashes To Ashes April 2009, BBC1 – Series two of the cult drama is set against the backdrop of the Falklands war. Philip Glenister, Keeley Hawes, Dean Andrews, Marshall Lancaster and Montserrat Lombard are joined in the cast by Roger Allam as force legend DS 'Supermac' Macintosh.


Reggie Perrin April 2009, BBC1 – A six-part revival of the 1970s sitcom written by David Nobbs, now co-written with Simon Nye. Martin Clunes plays the harassed middle-aged man made famous by Leonard Rossiter in the series, with Fay Ripley as Nicola Perrin, Wendy Craig as Reggie's mother, Marion, Geoffrey Whitehead as Nicola's father, William, Kerry Howard as Vicky, the secretary, Jim Howick as colleague Anthony, Nick Mohammed as colleague Steve, Neil Stuke as Chris Jackson, Lucy Liemann as Jasmine Strauss, Justin Edwards as Reggie's friend, Monty.

Tonight's The Night Saturday 18 April 2009, BBC1 – Six-part series fronted by John Barrowman featuring performances from well-known artists with routines by members of the public.

The Omid Djalili Show Friday 25 April 2009, BBC1 – Return of the comedy sketch show in a six-part run.

Louis Theroux – A Place For Paedophiles April 2009, BBC2 – Documentary about Coalinga Mental Hospital in California which houses more than 500 convicted paedophiles.

The Violence Season: Going Postal April 2009, BBC2 – Documentary on shootings at high schools, campuses and workplaces in America,

The Violence Season: Fighting Passions April 2009, BBC2 – Documentary challenging common perceptions of war.

The Violence Season: The Violent Highway April 2009, BBC2 – Documentary about The Highway in east London which has twice the national average for violent crime.

Winging It Saturday 18 April 2009, BBC2 – Improvisational comedy series aimed at teenagers, featuring Tom Deacon, Rhys Thomas, Joe Thomas, Holly Walsh, Jonny Sweet, Matthew Crosby and Andrew Spiers.

My Life As An Animal Thursday 16 April 2009, BBC3 – Series in which a group of eight volunteers take part in an experiment to try to learn more about animals by eating, sleeping and endeavouring to communicate with horses, dogs, pigs, penguins and seals. With wildlife expert Terry Nutkins offering advice.

Doctor Who: Planet Of The Dead Saturday 11 April 2009, BBC1 – Michelle Ryan and Lee Evans guest star as Lady Christina de Souza, who joins the Doctor on a bus trip, and Malcolm, whose life becomes connected to the Doctor's under extraordinary circumstances. Written by Russell T Davies and Gareth Roberts.

Professor Regan's Don't Believe The Science Thursday 16 April 2009, BBC2 – Series in which Professor Lesley Regan puts products under the microscope, including diet aids, medicine cabinet contents, children's food and non-surgical beauty products.

Britain's Got Talent Saturday 11 April 2009, ITV1 – Series three of the talent show hosted by Ant and Dec, with judges Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and Amanda Holden.

Hell's Kitchen Monday 13 April 2009, ITV1 – Return of the reality show fronted by chef Marco Pierre White and Claudia Winkleman.

Mud, Sweat and Tractors: The Story of Agriculture Wednesday 15 April 2009, BBC4 – Documentary series looking at the state of farming in Britain.

Air Medics Friday 17 April 2009, BBC1 – Series about the work of the Great North Air Ambulance.

Gok's Fashion Fix Tuesday 14 April 2009, Channel 4 – Eight-part fashion advice series with stylist Gok Wan.

Embarrassing Bodies Wednesday 15 April 2009, Channel 4 – Ten-part medical advice series with doctors Christian Jessen and Pixie McKenna.

Kirstie's Homemade Home Thursday 16 April 2009, Channel 4 – Five-parter in which Kirstie Allsopp transforms a dilapidated Devon cottage.

Roy CBBC – Comedy series about a living cartoon trapped in the real world, filmed like a fly-on-the-wall documentary.

Horrible Histories Thursday 16 April 2009, BBC1 – Series based on the books written by Terry Deary and illustrated by Martin Brown. Features Sarah Hadland, Steve Punt and Meera Syal relating strange facts about the past.

Beaker's Back CBBC – A 13-part series featuring Jacqueline Wilson's Tracy Beaker, played by Dani Harmer, now no longer in a children's home but working at one.

OOglies CBBC – Children's comedy sketch show.

The Force Chanel 4 – Three-part documentary made by Patrick Forbes following the officers of the Hampshire constabulary.

Framed BBC1 – Single drama starring Trevor Eve adapted by Frank Cottrell Boyce from his children's novel about a National Gallery curator who travels from London to the Welsh village of Manod to oversee the safe storage of a priceless art collection.

Winging It Saturday 18 April 2009, BBC2 – Six-part improvisational comedy series starring Tom Deacon, Rhys Thomas and Joe Thomas.

The Scrimshaw Pirates BBC1 – A 13-part drama created and written by Danny Brown and Pete Bowker, giving a contemporary spin on traditional pirate tales and legends, centring on Jeb, the only son of Bluebeard.

The Medici BBC1 – Eight-part drama about the powerful Medici banking dynasty in Italy. Written by Frank Deasy.

NCIS Friday 17 April 2009, FX – Series six of the US drama about the US Navy's dedicated federal agency. Stars Mark Harmon, Michael Weatherly, David McCallum, Pauley Perrette, Cote de Pablo and Sean Murray.

Testees Thursday 16 April 2009, FX – Canadian/US comedy starring Steve Markle and Jeff Kassel as friends who work as human test subjects at Testico, a product testing facility.

Guiness World Records Smashed Sunday 19 April 2009, Sky1 – Return of the entertainment show, with new hosts Steve Jones and Konnie Huq.

Sell Me The Answer Sky1 – Quiz show hosted by Gethin Jones.

Californication Fiver – Series two of the US drama starring David Duchovny.

The Apprentice, BBC1

thecustard.tv chart
1. (4) James. As part of the boys’ silly 2012-themed sandwiches, James lumbered around the London streets dressed like a boxing man-lard, where he made his sales pitch of “Have you had your lunch, yet?” sound like a threat.

2. (12) Kimberley. Acted as the sacrificial lamb for Yasmina to exhibit her autocratic management style. “Can I just say…” Kimberley began, before Yasmina snapped, “Don’t say that, just say what you want to say!”

3. (5) Yasmina. In just one episode as project manager she showed off all the qualities necessary to win the contest. Insufferable arrogance: “I firmly believe I’m better than all the girls.” A deluded impression of charisma: “My employees might describe me as rude, brash and blunt. But winning is everything to me!” Self-deification: “I’d like to thank you all individually,” she said as they celebrated their win in a big group, “and say we did an amazing job!”

4. (6) Lorraine. As she made the sandwiches, she seemed to panic a bit. Will be the first of the middling candidates to be ‘fired’.

5. (1) Howard. Howard has adopted the tactic of the flabbergasted entrepreneur, unable to comprehend why anyone would want to fire him. He answers Sir Alan’s queries with all the solemnity of a gamekeeper-turned-poacher proclaiming his love of all animals.

6. (2) Mona. Faded into background to such an extent that she was less distinctive than the shades of white that divide Margaret’s hair and visage.

7. (8) Rocky. The man with 15 sandwich “retail units” was asked to sell sandwiches, and made a worse job of than a colony of termites opening a branch of Specsavers.

8. (3) Paula. Less visible than nitrogen.

9. (15) Debra. After last week’s pillaging of decency, Debra slinked to the background.

10. (7) Katie. Stoutly claimed she was a “straight-A student”, and most definitely not a “dumb blonde”. We don’t doubt her – but she can do a damn good impression of one when she hasn’t a clue what she’s talking about. Her tactics in the negotiations with an accountancy firm concerned pouting at the boss while letting a slurry as mucky as Sellafield’s daily effluence pass under her teeth.

11. (13) Majid. Largely responsible for the boys’ failure because of his awful London 2012 idea, which over-complicated what should have been a simple task.

12. (10) Noorul. Was on the receiving end of one of Nick’s most chilling observations. “I watched Noorul,” Nick began with a voice as resonant as the sound of nails being hammered into a victim of crucifixion, “wandering round with his tray.”

13. (14) Phillip. His mouth doesn’t appear to be connected to his brain, as he always complains about what he’s doing but continues doing it without ever offering any alternatives except to get rid of the gold tablecloths for the corporate event. In the negotiations he did encounter a boss of a law firm who seemed determined to snare as much of the limelight he could.

15. (9) Ben. The business equivalent of a ship’s parrot. Sitting on the shoulders of others, this squat splodge of humanity bellowed feeble insults at James while making less of a contribution to the task than the hair deposited in one of the girls’ sandwiches.

Special commendation: Sir Alan’s scriptwriters. We were suspicious last week at his tabloid witticisms, but this week we were overloaded with quips about how Rocky “was on the ropes” or how he ended his football career being “taken off on a stretcher”. While his livid assertion that “second prize don’t exist” could be countered by Saira, Ruth and Claire.

The Inbetweeners, E4

What was it like?
The anti-Skins sitcom following a gang of social rejects at a comprehensive school, complete with crude humour galore and a host of acute and nostalgic observations as the boys embark on the joys of a geography field trip to Swanage.

What was good about it?
• This show beautifully plays on the ridiculous playground codes and conventions and hierarchies that tainted our youth.
• The perfect example of this is Jay, who in the first two minutes was bragging about his friend in year 13. We all remember those days, where engaging in any minor form of interaction with an individual who arrived on this earth little more than 12 months before you increased your social status.
• Plus, the idea that the back seats of the school coach are reserved for ‘the hard kids.’ A classic quote from Will when suffered the age-old ejection: ‘We don’t have to move, we got here very early to secure these seats!’
• Mr Kennedy, the geography teacher grooming Neil with vodka and Speedos.
• Lauren Harris, the stereotypical image we forever had in mind at our own school when notified that a new girl would be joining us, and not the Satan worshipping Goth we always seemed to end up with.
• The character of Jay, a hilarious example that being the class clown didn’t necessarily make you popular.
• Feisty you are’, Will’s Yoda impression and even better, Lauren’s reply; ‘Have you ever been tested for Asperger's?’
• The perfectly timed silence during the awkwardness of Neil punching a fish to death because it was kinder than allowing it to die in the water.

What was bad about it?
• Aww do we have to? Okay, but honestly we are seriously nitpicking... One minor flaw: the whole ‘randy teens go on a geography field trip and hilarity ensues’ has been executed far too many times previously. However, it was pleasant to see it receive an Inbetweeners style twist.
• Simon Bird never looked young enough to be schoolboy Will McKenzie but we didn't mind because he's so funny. Now Joe Thomas (Simon Cooper), James Buckley (Jay Cartwright) and Blake Harrison (Neil Sutherland) are losing their fresh-faced looks, it is sometimes hard to believe they are supposed to be schoolboys – until they open their mouths.
– Liam Smedley

The TV Week – 11-17 April 2009

Saturday
6.45pm Doctor Who: Planet Of The Dead BBC1 – Michelle Ryan and Lee Evans guest star as Lady Christina de Souza, who joins the Doctor on a bus trip, and Malcolm, whose life becomes connected to the Doctor's under extraordinary circumstances. Written by Russell T Davies and Gareth Roberts.
7.40pm Private Life of an Easter Masterpiece BBC2
7.45pm Britain's Got Talent ITV1 – Series three of the talent show hosted by Ant and Dec, with judges Simon Cowell, Piers Morgan and Amanda Holden. Followed by Britain's Got More Talent with Stephen Mulhern on ITV2
8.00pm Opera Australia's Golden Jubilee Sky Arts
9.00pm Greatest Album Ever: The Results MTV/VH1 – Edith Bowman, Zane Lowe and Trevor Nelson reveal the Top 10 albums chosen by viewers.

Sunday
7.00pm Skellig Sky1 – A one-off film based on the children’s book by David Almond about a boy who does a strange creature - part owl, part angel – a good turn. Stars Tim Roth, Kelly MacDonald, Bill Milner and John Simm.
8.00pm O Fortuna! Carl Orff And Carmina Burana Sky Arts
8.00pm The Gospel Music Of Johnny Cash Sky Arts
9.00pm God Vs. Satan: The Final Battle History Channel
10.00pm Grouchy Young Men Comedy Central
10.00pm Mr T Biography
10.40pm Messiah: The South Bank Show ITV1
11.10pm Operation Taliban: Paratroop Elite Sky1

• Guest list
• Doves, Marianne Faithfull, Noisettes, Rokia Traore and Madeline Peyroux on Later Live ... With Jools Holland BBC2, Tuesday, Friday
• The Justin Lee Collins Show ITV2, Thursday
• Nigel Havers on I've Never Seen Star Wars BBC4, Thursday
• Johnny Vegas on Genius BBC2, Friday
• Hugh Jackman, Lady Gaga, Martin Clunes on Friday Night with Jonathan Ross BBC1, Friday
• Kelly Clarkson, Lily Allen, Lady Gaga, Pet Shop Boys, Keane, Akon, The Saturdays, James Morrison and The Script on The Album Chart Show Channel 4, Friday

Monday
9.00am Lifegivers BBC1 – Weeklong series looking at organ and blood donation, presented by Nadia Sawalha and Dr Jonty Heaversedge.
6.30pm In Search of England's Green and Pleasant Land BBC1
7.30pm Meerkat Manor Animal Planet – Series following a family of meerkats in the Kalahari Desert.
7.30pm Henry VIII's Lost Palaces: A Time Team Special Channel 4
8.00pm Women Behind Bars Crime & Investigation
9.00pm Hell's Kitchen ITV1 – Return of the reality show fronted by chef Marco Pierre White and Claudia Winkleman.
9.00pm Rain BBC4 – The first of three documentaries about the weather.

Tuesday
8.00pm Gok's Fashion Fix Channel 4 – Eight-part fashion advice series with stylist Gok Wan.

Wednesday
8.00pm Embarrassing Bodies Channel 4 – Ten-part medical advice series with doctors Christian Jessen and Pixie McKenna.
9.00pm Mud, Sweat and Tractors: The Story of Agriculture BBC4 – Documentary series looking at the state of farming in Britain.

Thursday
4.35pm Horrible Histories BBC1 – Series based on the books written by Terry Deary and illustrated by Martin Brown. Features Sarah Hadland, Steve Punt and Meera Syal relating strange facts about the past.
8.00pm Kirstie's Homemade Home Channel 4 – Five-parter in which Kirstie Allsopp transforms a dilapidated Devon cottage.
9.00pm My Life As An Animal BBC3 – Series in which a group of eight volunteers take part in an experiment to try to learn more about animals by eating, sleeping and endeavouring to communicate with horses, dogs, pigs, penguins and seals. With wildlife expert Terry Nutkins offering advice.
9.00pm Professor Regan's Don't Believe The Science BBC2 – Series in which Professor Lesley Regan puts products under the microscope, including diet aids, medicine cabinet contents, children's food and non-surgical beauty products.
9.00pm Dorset Days: A Year in the Life of Longhorn Jim BBC4
9.00pm Katie & Peter: Stateside ITV2
10.00pm Testees FX – Canadian/US comedy starring Steve Markle and Jeff Kassel as friends who work as human test subjects at Testico, a product testing facility.
10.35pm The Narnia Code BBC1 – Documentary examining claims that CS Lewis's Narnia Chronicles contain a hidden meaning.

Friday
8,30pm Air Medics BBC1 – Series about the work of the Great North Air Ambulance.
9.00pm NCIS FX – Series six of the US drama about the US Navy's dedicated federal agency. Stars Mark Harmon, Michael Weatherly, David McCallum, Pauley Perrette, Cote de Pablo and Sean Murray.

• Subject list
• Panorama Life After Woolies. BBC1, Monday
• Horizon How Violent Are You? with Michael Portillo. BBC2, Tuesday
• True Stories Paedophile priests. More4, Tuesday
• Extraordinary People Britain's Tiniest Toddlers Five, Wednesday
• Cutting Edge Missing people. Channel 4, Thursday
• Unreported World China/North Korea: The Great Escape. Channel 4, Friday
• Storyville The Jazz Baroness. BBC4, Friday

All The Small Things, BBC1

Did we like it?
A deceptively caustic drama that savages the lobotomising influence of feral competition, and any subsequent fame, revealing its absurdity through a quaint choir contest in Derbyshire. However, we cannot fathom why one of the worst songs of the 21st century was chosen as its defiant musical spine, while we’re also sceptical that it can hobble on for a further five episodes without devolving into a petty vignette of provincial one-upmanship.

What was good about it?
• While it’s not absolutely clear, our interpretation of this drama is that the casual inhumanity and cruelty of talent show contests – X-Factor, Last Choir Standing etc – in which the participants are just pieces of dumb meat gargling on a hook before being cut and butchered to suit the mendacious desires of the producers, has been cleverly transplanted to a rural choir.
• The choir itself have no ambition to triumph in local contests against other parishes, much to the simmering chagrin of leader Michael Caddick (Neil Pearson), while the general apathy to fame is symbolised by his wife Esther (Sarah Lancashire).
• The catalyst for the inevitable schism is provided by newcomer Layla (Sarah Alexander), who is not as meek and modest as she initially seems, and soon has her claws into Michael.
• Michael, however, was just waiting for such an excuse to seek fame through his choir, but it’s with the arrival of Layla that the talent show contest mentality is ingrained. Even before she turned up, though, Michael was a walking cliché – after forgetting their 20th wedding anniversary he improvised in front of the choir, claiming to have booked a holiday in Venice – along with Miami, the ultimate destination for clichéd romance.
• And throughout the rest of the episode, the grotesque argot of the talent show infiltrated the script. Rousing the choir to win a contest he demanded that they “step up to the plate”, and it is a chance “for people to step out of their comfort zone”.
• During practice he urges the choir “to take a short comfort break” – an especially vulgar Americanism that expresses discomfort at mentioning the most mundane functions of the human body and simultaneously alludes to the sterility of talent shows. He also says, “We’re most proud that we’ve upped our game!”
• The hampered language Michael uses has become so integrated into the talent show vernacular, that it’s only when it’s heard out of its normal ‘comfort zone’ that its rancid banality is truly revealed. The skilful scripting extends Michael’s sanitised sermonising into his personal relationship with Esther, during which the fragile philosophy fractures into smithereens. It’s this central relationship that shows up the artifice of talent shows, and their incongruity and inhumanity to real-life situations.
• As a prelude to the inevitable break-up, he pleads with her to “step out of her comfort zone to learn a new skill”, while well-aware that it is he who refuses to accept his graduation into middle-aged obsolescence.
• And as he tells Esther he is leaving, Michael claims he took “a long hard look” at the rest of his life – but people who take ‘long hard looks’ say so to mask the fact that it was more of an impulsive glance.
• The wholesale shift from talent show to domestic drama would be implausible were it not for the excellent Neil Pearson and Sarah Lancashire, moulding a distinctive couple at war for the most ordinary of reasons. Despite his flaws and shallowness, Michael comes across as a three-dimensional character, an impression compounded when their daughter Georgia blames Esther for the split for not being interesting enough.
• The Manchester United references – Michael ‘Caddick’, while a new Serbian member of the choir is named Nemanja.

What was bad about it?
• Blink 182’s All The Small Things – why? One of the most ragged rumps of whining slaughterhouse pigs ever committed to CD, and it’s the one song that Caddicks’ autistic son Kyle idolises.
• At one point the singer in Kyle’s band changes one of the lyrics – ‘commiserating’ ‘obliterating’ – which sends Kyle into a quiet frenzy, demanding that it must be “(singer) Tom’s (DeLonge) words!”. This might be credible if much of the chorus wasn’t wreathed in the Milton-esque profundity of “Na-na-naa-na-na-naa”, which are also the most elegantly composed lyrics in the entire song.
• Making Out, one of writer Debbie Horsfield’s first dramas, had perhaps the greatest TV theme song of all time, so why must we endure this tripe? Even Blink 182’s ugliest runt offspring Fallout Boy would have been preferable.
• As a one-hour single drama, All The Small Things would have been a satisfying programme with a definite conclusion. However, there’s another five episodes to go and we fear that after being defeated in the contest by Kyle’s band (aided and abetted by Esther) that it will be a succession of tedious adversarial skirmishes of the type that Cutting It regressed to.