Luke on TV - Big Brother, Benidorm and Brits with Talent

I swear I’ll never mature as year after year I’m sucked into Big Brother, both irritated and strangely fascinated. Here’s my view of the 16 non housemates.

Freddie - This posh lad who has a strange obsession with furry hats is by no means the most irritating of the, let’s say, eclectic bunch this year but I feel if he is made a permanent housemate, he could easily be one of the most painful for the ears.

Lisa - This punky Birmingham lass reminded me of “A’ve it” Tracy from a few years ago and, despite her crude and crass audition, I think she’s far quieter and has more substance than might first appear.

Sophie - This 20-year-old model is your typical ditzy Big Brother contestant and if there’s one thing we don’t need its another Chantelle or Jodie Marsh. Dull and pointless.

Kris - It's very early to say but this quiet and shy guy seems unoffensive and could be a favourite.

Noirin - The first permanent housemate allowed fellow contestant Rodrigo to shave off her eyebrows and draw on some glasses and a dopey moustache, so she seems up for most things. She’s got more about her than some of the other women in the group but I’m looking forward to seeing her reaction when she realises she has to draw on those glasses every single day!

Cairon - The second American to enter the house after Darnell last year. He seems a decent young fellow, courteous and polite. Just going from first impressions alone, I can see him being the voice of reason in some of the upcoming disputes.


Angel - This Russian boxing champ is quite possibly one of the most peculiar contestants in BB history and you’ve got to admit that’s saying something! She gave me the creeps from the moment her taxi door opened.

Karly - Blonde/brunette whatever colour her hair, I think she could be a stirrer in the house that’s if she has enough about her to become a permanent fixture.

Marcus - This is perhaps a little brutal but in a night full of boos from an excited crowd I feel I’m allowed to be a little bit harsh here, too. I took an instant dislike to this 35-year-old window fitter and can’t really foresee watching his antics all summer.

Beinazir - This girl has the potential to be this years Charley. I can see her being very argumentative but I’m not sure if she’s tough enough or strong enough to make a lasting impact.

Sophia - Apologies if this is a bit corny or clichéd, but this little ball of fun could be one of the bigger stars of this years BB. That said, she needs to get the cackling and screaming that lasted all her journey into the house under control for me to root her any further.

Rodrigo - He was very fun to watch in the first challenge as he struggled to fully understand what Big Brother had asked of him. He’s harmless enough and a could be a good laugh for his remainder in the house.

Charlie - Mr Gay UK didn’t really make an impression but I’m sure he’ll be made a proper housemate.

Saffia - This self proclaimed “brainy” single mum of two got the worst reception from the crowd but, unless I missed something, I don’t think she was fully deserving of it. She was the hardest to pin down and I’m not really sure what I made of her but if the crowd's hostile reaction is anything to go by, I don’t think she’ll be around long enough for me to find out.

Sree - It’s a wonderfully multicultural house this year and Sree seems a genuine down to earth person. Not the sort of person to speak up or stand out but hopefully not the sort of person who fades into the background so much that we don’t realise he’s there.

Siavash - For me, the most irritating and arrogant contestant this year – another that I took an instant dislike to. Completely crass and self absorbed, I’ve seen far too many Big Brother contestants in the past similar to Sivash and I don’t need another.

Of course these are all my instant first impressions going solely off their always horrendous audition reels and their actions when they met the group. I’m sure these will change within a week when we start to see who these people really are and how much like their audition they really are.

So it's official, Britain does have talent. Just not enough to warrant five semi finals. All the right people got through to the impressively talent-filled Britain's Got Talent final, but that’s because they were truly worthy of the night and because the other dross that made up the sometimes painful semi finals weren’t worthy of a ticket into the show let alone appearing on the stage.

At points, I felt they were really scraping the bottom of a talent less barrel in the case of opera flower arrangers and the drag act with the big belly. I’ve not lost the plot completely I know its all about fun as well as talent but I’ve never been more thankful for my fast forward button in my life. How did some of those acts make it through? That’s got to be one of life’s unanswerable questions.

Case in point the human sax who ruined a song by Michael Jackson that Michael had himself ruined back in 1992. I too have be perfecting my human sax abilities and I think I’m actually better than him! Not that I’d toot my own horn……..actually that’s literally what I’m doing I suppose.

Also a little bit more annoying this year was Amanda Holden who despite her brutal criticism and honest views in the auditions seemed to morph into American Idol’s Paula Abdul during the live shows. I might coin a new phrase this year for Ms Holden she was “doing an Abdul” In translation, this means finding the positive in everything when there was not even a gleam of it. There were truly car crash moments this year which although I’m slating will be remembered. Good Evans who didn’t live up to their name in anyway and Holly Steel whose nerves don’t live up to her name either.

To give the show its due, it did provide us with a strong final night and, as I’m someone who has terribly with Boyle fatigue for the past eight weeks, I’m glad she didn’t come out on top.

Will I be back for series four? Of course! For every break dancing pensioner and supposed tap dancing dog are some real gems of undiscovered talent that make it so engrossing. As a final note, long live Stavross Flatley! I was glad Diversity, with their perfect routine won, and it’ll be interesting to see their Royal Variety performance.

It made have started with Tony Blackburn, Tara Palmer Tompkinson, Darren Day and Rhona Cameron nine years ago but the US has only just really cottoned on to I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. (Actually, ABC did try a version after the second UK series but it failed to set the US alight and came and went without anyone noticing.)

This new version which, like the original, will air for three weeks on NBC with the “celebrities” in the Costa Rican jungle. The contestants really reflect American TV’s obsession with reality TV stars with washed-up American Idol hopeful Sanja and Heidi and Spencer Pratt (sometimes these jokes write themselves) from the MTV “reality series” The Hills.

The lineup also featured Janice Dickinson who despite appearing alongside Christopher Biginns in the 2007 edition of the ITV series seemed to have forgotten she’d done it all before, acting astounded at the groups' camping accommodation and what was asked of her. There were some similarities to the original with the camp looking virtually identical to that in Queensland and the green shirts with the telephone numbers on the back but there were some clear differences that made this feel a little more forced and false than I’m used to.

For starters, the original music we’ve all become so familiar with has been dumped in favour of more dramatic flare which could sit happily in the score of a shoot ’em up action film. Something else I noticed was that the celebrities seemed to be allowed luxuries such as shampoo, hairspray and even a digital camera!! These things would be seen as gold dust on the original.

It wasted no time getting down to nitty gritty with Spencer (what a) Pratt at the centre of conflict. The highlight for me saw him on the phone to the head of NBC complaining he was too famous to be in with wrestlers and comedians he’d never heard of and that he felt let down. The first half hour saw the Pratts (so glad they’ve got that name) leaving and then returning, then crossing the bridge and then returning again. The problem is though it all felt so false and put on that I couldn’t really have cared less. Spencer is such an utter waste of skin I was close to punching him myself, but even in the heat of an argument it seemed fairly obvious this was all for the cameras and not really in the same category that some of the genuine disagreements the original has seen over the years.

The hosts were dreadful, delivering their witty comments with the comic timing of a pair of flip flops. Oddly, the double act featured Mylene Klass who seems to have left her charming and quiet personality back in England opting instead to become quite loud and smarmy in her role as co-host. Something that was rather impressive though was the first trial which saw the boys versus the girls in a gruesome eating challenge which the UK version usually saves till the final.

NBC are taking quite a risk with I’m a Celebrity really because, if it flops like the forgotten ABC version, they’ll need to find something to fill the gaping hole it’ll leave in their schedule.

ITV’s biggest comedy in years returned for a summer special. The Benidorm special tied up all the loose ends of the series two cliffhanger and laid the ground for the upcoming third series.

Benidorm isn’t the next big thing in comedy, it won’t wow you with its originality, perfectly crafted storylines or even wonderfully observed characters but it is good for a laugh and that’s all I really want from something that designed to make me laugh.

The new series will move from a 30 minute slot to an hour and if this special was anything to go by the series will be suit the longer time frame. I was asked to write about Benidorm as no one else at thecustard sees the fun in it and I can see how sometimes it’s a bit too cartoonish to enjoy. The humour is often over the top and sometimes silly but I enjoy it when it gets the balance right.

The story surrounding the kidnap was perhaps the silliest plot yet but it delivered some funny moments and maybe it’s the continual sunshine and the panoramic views of Spain but there’s something about the series that makes you smile regardless. As the series progresses its going to be harder to believe these people would return to the same holiday resort year after year but if its funny enough it won’t really matter.

So what were your views on this years Big Brother Launch? The early viewing figures indicate it was the lowest rated opening in the history of the series. Do you believe it has run out of steam? Feel free to leave your comments below

Coming Up – new entries and updates

MTV Cribs Awards Saturday 13 June 2o09, MTV1 – Kim Kardashian hosts the first Cribs ceremony.

Blind Justice Saturday 13 June 2o09, FX – Drama series starring Ron Eldard as blind Detective Jim Dunbar. With Marisol Nichols, Rena Sofer, Reno Wilson and Frank Grillo.

Casualty 1909 Sunday 14 June 2009, BBC1 – Return of the drama series starring Cherie Lunghi, Sarah Smart, William Houston, Nicholas Farrell, David Troughton and Charity Wakefield set in a London hospital.

Alan Carr: Chatty Man Sunday 14 June 2009, Channel 4 – Entertainment and chat show, featuring sketches, interviews and audience participation. Guests on the opener include Bruce Forsyth, Heather Graham, Ross Kemp and Pet Shop Boys.

The Supersizers Eat... Monday 15 June 2009, BBC2 – Six-part return of the series in which Giles Coren and Sue Perkins eat the food from periods of history: Eighties London in the opener, the Fifties, Marie-Antoinette's Versailles, Medieval England, the Roaring Twenties and the Romans in Rome and Britain.

House Swap Monday 15 June 2009, BBC1 – Return of the property swap series with Kristian Digby.

Psychoville Thursday 18 June 2009, BBC2 – Seven-part mystery comedy series created by Reece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton who star alongside Dawn French, Eileen Atkins, Nicholas Le Prevost, David Bamber, Janet McTeer, Christopher Biggins, Daisy Haggard, Debbie Chazen, Daniel Kaluuya and Adrian Scarborough. Characters include a blind beanie collector, a dwarf who is in love with panto Snow White and a one-handed clown who makes balloon animals with his hook.

Occupation Tuesday-Thursday 16-18 June 2009, BBC1 – Three-part drama about three British soldiers serving in Iraq, charting their lives from the invasion of Basra in March 2003 to the present. Stars Nesbitt as Sgt Mike Swift, Stephen Graham as Cpl Danny Peterson, Warren Brown as L/Cpl Lee Hibbs, Nonso Anozie as Erik Lester and Lubna Azabal as Dr Aliyah Nabi. Written by Peter Bowker (credits include Blackpool); made by Kudos Film and Television.

Hotel Babylon Friday 19 June 2009, BBC1 – A fourth, eight-part series of the comedy drama with Nigel Harman becoming the new lead character, wealthy businessman Sam Franklin, and Anna Wilson-Jones as his ex-wife Juliet.

The Price Of Life Wednesday 17 June 2009, BBC2 – Documentary about the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence, which decides which drug treatments the NHS can afford.

Personal Affairs Tuesday 16 June 2009, BBC3 – Five-part comedy drama series about four women working as personal assistants in the City of London. Stars Laura Aikman as beautiful, brainy Lucy; Annabel Scholey as fame-hungry Midge; Ruth Negga as intellectual outsider Sid; Maimie McCoy as money-obsessed Nicole, Robert Gant as the boss Rock Van Gelder, Mark Benton as Iain Ebelthite, Darren Boyd as Simon, Emily Bruni, Joe Absolom, Archie Panjabi, Olivia Grant and Jamie Davis. Created by Gabbie Asher (credits include EastEnders); made by 2AM TV.

Build a New Life in the Country Monday 15 June 2009, Five – Property and lifestyle series presented by Charlie Luxton.

Island Life Monday 15 June 2009, Channel 4 – Week-long coverage of the gigs at the Shepherd's Bush Empire celebrating Island Records 50th anniversary.

Martina Cole's The Take Wednesday 17 June 2009, Sky One – Four-part crime drama based on the novel by Martina Cole spanning 20 years of love, jealousy, betrayal and murder in the lives of the Jackson family from London's East End, from the height of Thatcherism to the birth of New Labour. Stars Tom Hardy as ex-con Freddie Jackson, Brian Cox as East End gangster Ozzy, Shaun Evans as Jimmy, David Schofield as Ozzy's right-hand man, Siddy Clancy and Kierston Wareing as Freddie's wife Jackie.

Expedition: Africa Thursday 18 June 2009, History Channel – Series in which survival expert Benedict Allen and a team of explorers follow in the footsteps of Henry Morton Stanley, who went to Africa in 1871 to find Dr David Livingstone.

Undercover Boss Thursday 18 June 2009, Channel 4 – Series in which executives go undercover in their own businesses to see what needs fixing.

Mendelssohn, The Nazis & Me Friday 19 June 2009, BBC4 – The story of how the composer who was born into a Jewish family became a passionate Christian.

Coming Up – new entries and updates

Martina Cole's The Take Wednesday 17 June 2009, Sky One – Four-part crime drama based on the novel by Martina Cole spanning 20 years of love, jealousy, betrayal and murder in the lives of the Jackson family from London's East End, from the height of Thatcherism to the birth of New Labour. Stars Tom Hardy as ex-con Freddie Jackson, Brian Cox as East End gangster Ozzy, Shaun Evans as Jimmy, David Schofield as Ozzy's right-hand man, Siddy Clancy and Kierston Wareing as Freddie's wife Jackie.

Undercover Boss Thursday 18 June 2009, Channel 4 – Series in which executives go undercover in their own businesses to see what needs fixing.

Air Force Afghanistan Friday 12 June 2009, Five – Documentary series following the British service personnel at Kandahar air base in southern Afghanistan.

MTV Cribs Awards Saturday 13 June 2009, MTV1 – Kim Kardashian hosts the first Cribs ceremony. Reruns at 7.30pm

Blind Justice Saturday 13 June 2009, FX – Drama series starring Ron Eldard as blind Detective Jim Dunbar. With Marisol Nichols, Rena Sofer, Reno Wilson and Frank Grillo.

Alan Carr: Chatty Man Sunday 14 June 2009, Channel 4 – Entertainment and chat show, featuring sketches, interviews and audience participation. Guests on the opener include Bruce Forsyth, Heather Graham, Ross Kemp and Pet Shop Boys.

Build a New Life in the Country Monday 15 June 2009, Five – Property and lifestyle series presented by Charlie Luxton.

BBC Cardiff Singer Of The World Song Prize Final Saturday 13 June 2009, BBC4 – Presented by Petroc Trelawny and Josie D'Arby from St David's Hall, Cardiff.

BBC Cardiff Singer Of The World 2009 – The Final Sunday 14 June 2009, BBC2 – Presented by Huw Edwards and Aled Jones from St David's Hall, Cardiff.

The Royal Academy Summer Exhibition Wednesday 17 June 2009, BBC2 – Andrew Graham-Dixon, Lauren Laverne and Mark Kermode present a special edition of The Culture Show devoted to the Royal Academy's Summer Exhibition.

Mendelssohn, The Nazis & Me Friday 19 June 2009, BBC4 – The story of how the composer who was born into a Jewish family became a passionate Christian.

Expedition: Africa Thursday 18 June 2009, History Channel – Series in which survival expert Benedict Allen and a team of explorers follow in the footsteps of Henry Morton Stanley, who went to Africa in 1871 to find Dr David Livingstone.

Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow Saturday 6 June 2009, BBC1 – Six-part series showcasing up-and-coming stand-up acts and established stars. Features Rhod Gilbert, Mark Watson, Stewart Francis and Kevin Bridges at the Edinburgh Playhouse; Jason Manford, John Bishop, Mick Ferry and Sarah Millican at the Manchester Apollo; Shappi Khorsandi, Tom Stade, Steve Hughes and Paul Tonkinson at the Birmingham Hippodrome; Sean Lock, Steve Williams, Ava Vidal and Alun Cochrane at the Swansea Grand; Al Murray, Jon Richardson, Micky Flannigan and Jo Caulfied at the Brighton Dome; and Patrick Kielty, Neil Delamere, Jeff Green and Kerry Godliman at the Belfast Waterfront Hall.

Hope Springs Sunday 7 June 2009, BBC1 – Eight-part comedy drama series about four female ex-convicts who plan to create a new life for themselves in Barbados with £5m stolen from one of their husbands, but end up in the Scottish village of Hope Springs instead. Stars Alex Kingston as Ellie, the feisty leader of the gang, Annette Crosbie as local gossip Sadie and Christine Bottomley as streetwise Shoo Coggan plus Sian Reeves, Vinette Robinson, Ronni Ancona, Paul Higgins and Alec Newman . Written by Ann McManus, Maureen Chadwick and Liz Lake; made by independent production company Shed Productions.

Living With Monkeys – Tales From The Treetops Tuesday 9 June 2009, BBC1 – Two-parter in which primatologist Dr Julie Anderson and adventurer Guy Grieve visit Gabon's rainforest to study the red-capped mangabey monkey.

Arena: TS Eliot Saturday 6 June 2009, BBC2 – The life and work of the poet.

Gerry Robinson's Car Crash Tuesday 9 June 2009, BBC2 – The business troubleshooter investigates Britain's ailing car industry.

Krod Mandoon And The Flaming Sword Of Fire Thursday 11 June 2009, BBC2 – Comedy spoof of medieval times starring Sean Maguire as reluctant hero Krod who becomes the last great hope in the fight against the evil Chancellor Dongalor, played by Matt Lucas. With India De Beaufort, Steve Speirs, Kevin Hart, John Rhys-Davies, James Murray, Marques Ray Mascarinas and Alex Macqueen. Created by Peter Knight, who wrote the scripts with Brad Johnson.

When Diets Go Wrong Thursday 11 June 2009, BBC3 – Actress Mikyla Dodd examines various dieting disasters.

D-Day Remembered Saturday 6 June 2009, BBC4 – Fiona Bruce presents an evening of programmes to commemorate the 65th anniversary of D-Day from Normandy.

Stephen Tompkinson's African Balloon Adventure Sunday 7 June 2009, ITV1 – Three-part series in which the actor and hot air balloon pilot Robin Batchelor take an aerial tour of Africa.

Kingdom Sunday 7 June 2009, ITV1 – Return of the drama series starring Stephen Fry as a solicitor in a small seaside town. With Hermione Norris, Celia Imrie, Karl Davies, Tony Slattery and Phyllida Law.

Ladies of Letters Sunday 7 June 2009, ITV1 – Terrestrial airing of the ITV3 comedy starring Maureen Lipman and Anne Reid.

Don't Call Me Stupid Tuesday 9 June 2009, ITV1 – Celebrity quiz hosted by Alexander Armstrong in which celebrities leatn about each other's passions, beginning with former Tory leader Michael Howard and dancer Wayne Sleep tested on Liverpool FC and West End musicals.

May Contain Nuts Thursday 11 June 2009, ITV1 – Two-part comedy drama about pushy mothers starring Sophie Thompson and Shirley Henderson as parents who will do almost anything to ensure their children get into the best school in south-west London. Based on John O'Farrell's best-selling novel, adapted by Mark Burton. With Darren Boyd, Elizabeth Berrington, Tony Gardner and Justin Edwards.

Fifth Gear Monday 8 June 2009, Five – Return of the motoring magazine presented by Tim Shaw, Tiff Needell, Tom Ford and Jason Plato.

I'm a Celebrity... USA '09 Monday 8 June 2009, ITV2 – Myleene Klass presents the US version of the reality show. Contestants include Stephen Baldwin, Lou Diamond Phillips, Heidi Montag and Sanjaya Malakar.

Bill Bailey Tinselworm Saturday 6 June 2009, Channel 4 – Comedy show filmed at Wembley Arena.

Bremner, Bird & Fortune: The Last Show Before the Recovery Sunday 7 June 2009, Channel 4 – Three-parter in which Rory and the two Johns satirise the financial crisis. With Pauline McLynn and Frances Barber.

Wife Swap Sunday 7 June 2009, Channel 4 – The reality show returns with a celebrity special featuring comedians Rhona Cameron and Stan Boardman.

The World's Greatest Musical Prodigies Monday 8 June 2009, Channel 4 – Three-parter in which 16-year-old composer Alexander Prior finds four musical prodigies, aged nine to 15, from around the world.

Property Snakes & Ladders Tuesday 9 June 2009, Channel 4 – An 11-part series in which Sarah Beeny examines the housing market meltdown.

TNT Show Thursday 11 June 2009, Channel 4 – A 12-part topical entertainment show fronted by Jack Whitehall and Holly Walsh.

Totally Saturday Saturday 6 June BBC1 – Seven-part entertainment show hosted by Graham Norton springing surprises on members of the audience. Each show features a celebrity guest, beginning with Lionel Richie.

That Mitchell And Webb Look Thursday 11 June 2009, BBC2 – A third six-part series of the comedy sketch show starring David Mitchell and Robert Webb.

Ross Kemp In Search Of Pirates Monday 8 June 2009, Sky 1 – Three-parter in which the actor investigates modern piracy.

Miami SWAT Monday 8 June 2009, Sky1 – Series following the city's special response team.