TV Week: Saturday 9th - Friday 15th January 2010

2010 Week 2

Saturday
7.30pm By the People BBC2 - Featuring intimate footage of Obama, his family and his election team, this unique film documents the behind-the-scenes story of the passionate campaigners who helped a young African-American freshman senator reach the White House.
10.10pm Heroes BBC2 - Fourth series of the sci-fi drama. Claire and Matt try to find normality while Hiro, Ando, Peter try to use their abilities to do good. Angela worries about Sylar, and a new threat arrives in the form of a mysterious carnival. Episode 2 airs straight afterwards.
Sunday
8.00pm Lark Rise to Candleford BBC1 - Third series of the costume drama. A handsome young journalist, Daniel Parish, arrives in Lark Rise with exciting news for the Timmins family: Emma is set to inherit a fortune, enough to move the family to a big house in Candleford.
8.30pm Wild At Heart ITV1 - New series of the family drama starring Stephen Tompkinson as a domestic vet on an African game reserve. Danny and Alice have been working hard on a project to rehabilitate a group of circus elephants, but they need the help of Vanessa and Rowan to move the herd to a new home.
9.30pm The Conspiricy Files BBC2 - Examining what has happened to the world's most wanted man, Osama Bin Laden.
9.30pm Being Human BBC3 - Second series of comedy drama about three twenty-something housemates trying to live normal lives, despite struggling with unusual afflictions - one is a werewolf, one is a vampire and the other is a ghost. Two strangers arrive in Bristol to torment Mitchell and George.
Monday
5.30pm Wogan's Perfect Recall Channel 4
7.30pm Inside Out BBC1
8.30pm Delia Through the Decades BBC2 - Series celebrating Delia Smith's career and the ways she has shaped what people eat and how they cook it. She revisits her favourite recipes and recreates some with a contemporary twist.
9.00pm The British Family: Our History BBC2 - Kirsty Young begins a four-part history of how British families have changed since the Second World War by looking at marriage. Using vibrant archive footage and bittersweet interviews, she examines how, from the 1940s to the late 1960s, marriage was transformed from a sometimes stifling institution into a more equal relationship.
9.00pm Law & Order UK ITV1 - Second series of the crime series based on the popular American franchise. A tragic communication error between police officers leads to the death of gay PC Nick Bentley when he is caught in the crossfire of armed drug-dealers.
9.0opm Paul Merton in Europe Five - New series following Paul Merton as he travels through Europe. Beginning in Germany, Paul meets the leader of a political movement known as the Apple Front, before enjoying a 'chess boxing' match in a Berlin sports hall.
9.00pm Hell's Kitchen USA ITV2 - Gordon Ramsay returns for the sixth series of the American cookery competion.
Tuesday
9.00pm Surviviors BBC1 - Highly anticipated second series of the survivial drama. Abby has been kidnapped and Greg lies badly wounded - can things get any worse for the Family?
9.00pm Simon Schama on Obama's America BBC2 - A year on from Barack Obama's inauguration, Simon Schama examines the issue that more than any other will determine the fate of his presidency. Continues Thursday
9.00pm CSI Five - Tenth series of the US crime drama.
10.00pm Muslim Driving School BBC2 - An insight into the lives of Muslim women learner drivers, their instructors and their families. Unlike many driving schools, those featured foster an intimate relationship between instructor and student because of the cultural restrictions that Muslim women experience.
10.00pm Defemation More4 - Yoav Shamir's controversial documentary embarks on a provocative and sometimes irreverent quest to answer the question, "What is anti-Semitism today?
10.10pm The Girl Who Cries Blood Channel 4 - This Bodyshock Special features 13-year-old Twinkle Dwivedi who, for nearly two years, has inexplicably cried tears of blood.
10.30pm Coming of Age BBC3 - Second series of the teen comedy. Ollie refuses to get a tetanus jab after falling on a nail. DK causes havoc with a ventriloquist's doll and Chloe demands Matt makes amends for blabbing about their sex life.
10.35pm The Man who Can't stop Hiccupping BBC1 - Documentary on 25 year old Christopher Sands who has been constantly hiccupping for two years.
Wednesday
7.30pm American Idol ITV2 -Return of the huge American singing competition that sees talk show host Ellen Ellen DeGeneres join Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Kara DioGuardi on the judging panel. Guest judges include Victoria Beckham, Shania Twain and and Kristin Chenoweth. Continues Thursday
9.00pm NCIS Five - Sixth series of the US crime drama
9.00pm The Man Who Shot the Sixties BBC4 - Documentary telling the story of photographer Brian Duffy who along with David Bailey and Terence Donovan defined the image of the 1960s and was as famous as the stars he photographed. With the first ever exhibition of his work due, Duffy has agreed to be filmed to talk about his life, his work and why he made it all go up in flames.
10.00pm Numb3rs Five - Sixth series of the US crime drama
10.00pm The Perausisionists BBC2 - New comedy series set in an advertizing agency and starring Daisy Haggard, Iain Lee and Lee Ross.
11.30pm Who Wants to a Be a Millioniare Indian Special Channel 4 - Presented by actor and game show host Shahrukh Khan, the episode filmed for Valentine's Day 2007 features Bollywood actress Malaika Arora Khan and her quiz partner Arbaaz Khan, screenwriting brother and sister Zoya and Farhan Akhtar and film directors Karan Johar and Farah Khan. Being shown as part of Channel 4's Indian Winter season.
Thursday
8.00pm Material Girl BBC1 - comedy/drama series following a manic fashion designer. It's Paris Fashion Week and Ali Redcliffe has a huge flare-up with her boss, leading fashion designer, Davina Bailey. Back in London, the renowned Marco Keriliak offers Ali the chance of a lifetime: to set up her own label.
8.00pm Build a New Life in the Country Five - New series of the property and lifestyle show with Charlie Luxton. Lisa and Michael attempt to convert a 400-year-old barn into an eco-friendly family home.
9.00pm Kevin McCloud: Slumming It Channel 4 - Part of Channel 4's Winter Indian Season Grand Designs presenter Kevin McCloud discovers a world of curious juxtapositions in one of the most extreme urban environments on earth: Dharavi. With a million people crammed into one square mile, Dharavi is one of the most densely populated places on earth. Concludes at 8pm on Friday
9.00pm Stag Weekends: The Dirty Secrets BBC3 - Reporter Simon Boazman goes undercover to break into a sex trafficking ring and finds the women who have fallen victim to the trade in sex slaves.
9.00pm The Secret Life of Chaos BBC4 - Professor Jim Al-Khalili shows how chaos theory can answer a question that mankind has asked for millennia - how does a universe that starts off as dust end up with intelligent life?
10.35pm Real Crime with Mark Austin ITV1 - As Peter Tobin faces sentencing for the murder of Dinah McNicol, Mark Austin speaks to criminologists, psychologists and those who have come face-to-face with the man to deduce whether Tobin is Britain's worst serial killer.
Friday
9.00pm Empire of the Seas: How the Navy Forged the Modern World BBC2 -Four-part series inwhich historian Dan Snow charts the defining role the Royal Navy played in Britain's struggle for modernity - a grand tale of the twists and turns which thrust the people of these isles into an indelible relationship with the sea and ships. The first episode opens with a dramatic re-telling of 16th and 17th century history, revealing how victory over the Armada transformed impoverished England into a seafaring nation.
9.00pm Popstart to Operastar ITV1 - Alan Titchmarsh and Myleene Klass present a new series in which eight chart-topping singers attempt to perform well-known opera songs accompanied by a full live orchestra. Contestants include Alex James, Bernie Nolan, Danny Jones, Darius Campbell, Jimmy Osmond, Kym Marsh, Vanessa White and Marcella Detroit.

Day of the Triffids, BBC1

It’s all in the music. The original series still has the most chilling, bone grinding theme music in TV history; it resembled classical music composed in the bowels of Satan and jettisoned into the world via the vocal chords of a delirious castrato.

And a contemporary kin of this remake, 28 Days Later (which essentially lifted much of the plot of John Wyndham’s novel), boasted the desolate majesty of Godspeed You! Black Emperor as the dazed Cillian Murphy staggered about post-rage London.

As Bill (Dougray Scott) and Jo (Joely Richardson) made their way through those same London streets, although here inhabited by the hordes of newly blind people, a solitary lament of a violin resonated. But it wasn’t the same. It lacked bleak foreboding of the TV series and the profound despair of 28 Days Later, and was plastic to the touch, trying to independently direct the viewer’s feelings rather than being an indissoluble part of the scene.

Thankfully, the actual drama compensated for this aural deficiency. While it felt, on occasion, too much like a formulaic straight-to-DVD thriller – the villains get their just desserts in the most horrid ways possible, father and son reconciliation before the inevitable demise of the now plot-redundant father – the foundations of the novel stand like beacons.

Most interesting was the manner in which the fragmented remains of humanity went about their survival. As with any post-apocalyptic drama, there’s always an improvised military junta. Here it was given depth and even charm through a charismatic, addictive performance from Eddie Izzard as the amoral Torrence.

His ruthless, practical philosophy made his usurpation of the bumbling remnants of the government entirely plausible, uniting behind him the greedy, the indecisive and those people just seeking to survive. Its ideology was most beautifully illustrated when Torrence initiated the streets to be cleared of the blind – who had been left to their deaths by the previous administration – not through altruism, but because it would sever the plentiful food supply that was drawing the triffids towards their fragile sanctuary in central London.

A similar practicality was adopted by Durrant (the superb Vanessa Redgrave), who had gathered about her a small congregation in a remote abbey. But her motives were anything but Godly. As soon as she believed that a member of the congregation no longer contributed to the upkeep of the community then they were despatched on ‘pilgrimages’ to the outside world. The pilgrimages were short; she directed them into the path of the waiting triffids, who seemed satisfied to patiently wait for their meals sent to them by the good sister.


Much was made of how the triffids in the remake were more terrifying than their plastic, static counterparts in the 80s series. We disagree. Perhaps it again was the music that propelled that series into some weird world that draped everything – even the unconvincing triffids – in an alien atmosphere. Or maybe it was the substitution of the sting with the prehensile roots as the main weapon, which reduced the plants to the common-or-garden Hollywood monster that generates tension by dragging characters to their potential doom until they can be rescued in the nick of time by the hero who cuts through the grasping root.

Dougray Scott made for a decent protagonist, playing Bill almost as an anti-hero. Often he would realise the futility of the situation – walking past and ignoring a column of blind people pleading entry to the government sanctuary – faithful to his analytical scientific mind, and quickly abandoning his optimistic plan to exterminate the triffids before they could be pollinated, and thus multiply in number. His dourness did make his relationship with Jo a bit pallid, but was economically employed at the end, impelling his desire to save her, and his new ‘daughters’, from the clutches of Torrence and the triffids.

And faithful to the novel, Bill and Jo makes their way to the Isle of Man to join a colony to complete an enjoyable mini-series with an austere but plausible denouement. However, it’s unlikely that in 30 years’ time any part of it will still haunt us like the theme music of the triffids’ previous incarnation.

Celebrity Big Brother Launch Show

So last year I was an adult. I was a grown up. OK so I hadn’t quite reached the pipe and slippers stage but I felt a better person, more educated, more rounded, more sophisticated and just generally a better person. Jump forward twelve months and just three lackluster days into our new decade and I’m ashamed to say I’ve slipped back into my old ways. Yes that’s right I sat up.. Curtains closed, phone disconnected and lights off so as not to attract the attention of the neighbors I sat and pressed 4 on my remote and was transformed back into the world of Celebrity (oh sorry) “Celebrity” Big Brother. As I said in 2009 I was a rounded sensible young man who successfully avoided every cringe worthy and instantly forgettable moment of the series so why in this new decade had I turned it back on?

It could be a morbid fascination, I could be my amazing lack of will power which I had already demonstrated over Christmas by virtually inhaling an entire chocolate Snowman in one sitting or maybe it was just because there was nothing else on to tempt me away.

The series has been revamped a bit and whilst its an obvious attempt by those in charge to update the format giving each contestant their own theme music as they made their over dramatic entrance ruined the Big Brother ambience as we lost the Panto style boos that the series has become famous for. Also the house which we’ve become so familiar with has been (for the lack of a more eloquent description) been “tarted up” this year making it feel more like a high class spa than the “Hellish” Big Brother house we’re supposed to see our Celebrities (damn it!!) “Celebrities” inhabit.

First up was Stephen Baldwin who has become a bit like reality TV’s answer to an unwanted pimple popping up everywhere but never wanted! He has appeared in the American versions of Celebrity Apprentice, The Mole and the recent American remake of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. Big Brother completes the set I guess. Maybe he gets a free t-shirt or something now he’s done them all.

Next up an instantly forgettable Page 3 model who is likely to live up to expectations. Followed by Alex Reid which is not as bad as having Katie Price in the house but nearly. Next into the fray or “fraying pan” (see what I did there?) was Stephanie Beacham who was someone who the parents knew instantly but I sat unaffected. Its early stages but if its possible to predict I would hope Ms Beacham could bring a possible touch of class to proceedings possibly.. Is that possible? Have the words Big Brother and touch of class ever sat beside each other before? I’m asking all the big questions here.

At this point I have confess something. As Stephanie entered the house I peered at my clock which sits looming above the Television and realized were only 18 minutes in. I contemplated switching off. I contemplated playing DJ Hero on my WII. I contemplated reading a book but I decided I’d write this review so had to see it through. So as you read this remember this man has suffered for his art as my DJ Hero turntable sat cold in the corner.

So with that behind me I hit the play button again caught Lady Sovereign making her irritating entrance. I am the only one who presses the red button on the remote repeatedly just to double check it can’t attack people within the TV? Annoyingly I am familiar with Lady Sovereign but I dislike her with a passion. As I started back at my lifeless DJ Hero console and dusty book shelves I realized the producers and press had fooled this chump yet again. They had promised infamous and bigger names this time round. This is the final series after all but no how could I be so deluded of course they were Z listers. With the possible exception of Stephanie (I’m a bit worried I have a spot for a 62 year old but we’ll move on) My suspicions were completely confirmed by the arrival of Sisqo who’s only claim to any sort of fame within the music industry is a song from 10 years ago about a thong. For those of us who had blocked out that summer he proceeded to oddly perform the song live. This is Big Brother right?

Big Brother can sometimes be quite educational who knew Another Level had seven top ten hits. I can only remember Freak Me and Be Alone No More and I’m quite ashamed I know them!. Mr. Bowers being in there with Alex Reid could be interesting but its still treading a dangerous line that could turn it quickly into yet another Katie Price car crash!

Next up Heidi Fleiss who could prove interesting as she’s been seen embarrassing herself numerous times on Reality TV and has just had a stint in that ole so treasured Celebrity Rehab. Also working in her favour is that the fact that she has absolutely no connection to Katie Price!! Katie Price and Heidi Fleiss oh lord their names rhyme! This is one big conspiracy!!!!!

Vinnie Jones is possibly the most recognizable and well known face but we’re still not talking much better than Y list are we. My prediction (and these are always wrong so ignore the following sentence and perhaps check your email) but Vinnie Jones could be a possible winner. Mind you in a series that has seen Urika Johnson take the crown your guess is as good as mine. So after an hour I’ll never get back am I going to be watching the remaining 26 days? Errm… The adult me says no but he often takes a leave of absence at 10pm at night so ask me again in 25 days. As always I am completely uninspired by our housemates and let down again by the lack of any true well known faces but as long as there are some fights and with the possibility of a murder maybe I’ll keep tuning in.

The TVWEEK: Jan 4th - 8th 2010

2010 WEEK 1

Monday
10.00am Wanted Down Under BBC1 - New series of the relocation series that gives families a chance to try living Down Under.
6.30pm Great British Railway Journeys BBC2 - Documentary series in which Michael Portillo travels the length and breadth of the country by train.
8.00pm The Lakes ITV1 - New series following Rory McGrath during a summer in the Lake District as he meets the many people who work in this beautiful part of Britain - from hoteliers to farmers and tour guides to mountain rescue volunteers. As the series progresses, we see how the summer unfolds for all of them.
8.00pm The Mystery of the Nevada Triangle Channel 4
8.30pm Only Connect BBC4 - Quiz show presented by Victoria Coren in which knowledge will only take you so far, as patience and lateral thinking are also vital.
9.00pm Hustle BBC1 - Sixth series of the con drama starring Adrian Lester. The opening episode sees Albert out finding and priming the next unsuspecting mark - ex-banker Piggy Richardson who has been hounded by the press after a very public pension scandal. Guest starring Mark Benton
9.00pm Above Suspicion 2: The Red Dahlia ITV1 - Three-part sequel to last years Above Suspcion based on the books by crime writer Lynda La Plante. Anna Travis is reunited with the inimitable DCI James Langton to face her most challenging and terrifying case yet. When the body of a young woman is discovered by the Thames, sadistically mutilated, it seems to be a shocking re-enactment of the infamous Black Dahlia murder which occurred in 1940s Los Angeles. Parts 2 & 3 air on Tuesday & Wednesday
9.00pm Generation XXL Channel 4 - First of a 2-part landmark documentary that wil follow the lives of seven overweight school children. The series will air over the years to document the children as they age and struggle with their size.
9.00pm Road Wars Sky1
Dear Diary BBC4 - Three-part series which asks what we get from reading, and writing, diaries. Richard E Grant, a diarist since childhood, uncovers the power of the diary. He considers the diaries of Joe Orton, Kenneth Williams, Erwin James, John Diamond and Rosemary Ackland and asks whether a diary should, or could, ever be totally honest, wholly accurate and absolutely true.
10.00pm Nurse Jackie BBC2 - Dark US comedy drama about Jackie Peyton, a no-nonsense emergency room nurse based in New York who has to balance her frenzied job with a complicated home life. Starring Edie Falco and Eve Best. Continues All Week
10.30pm Kill It, Coook It, Eat It: Fast Food BBC3 - Series showing what it takes to turn a living animal into meat for the table, as six volunteers visit a farm to see how animals are turned into fast food.
Tuesday
7.30pm The Krypton Factor ITV1 - Return of the gameshow hosted by Ben Shephard.
8.00pm The Hairy Bikers: Mum Knows Best BBC2 - Series celebrating the very best of British home cooking. Si and Dave have toured the nation hunting out Britain's lost family recipes.
8.00pm Send In the Dogs ITV1
8.00pm My Big Fat Diet Show Channel 4 - Anna Richardson grabs the UK by its love handles and shows viewers how to drop a dress size in two weeks. Continues Thursday
8.00pm Ice Road Truckers Five
8.00pm Mr. Bean - Repeats of Rowan Aktinson's iconic comedy character.
9.00pm History of Now: The Story of the Noughties BBC2 - A look back at the last decade, and the connections which are shaping the 21st century. Contributors include Andrew Marr, Tanya Byron and Will Self. Continues Thursday & Friday
Lost Kingdoms of Africa BBC4 - Art historian Gus Casely-Hayford explores the pre-colonial history of some of Africa's most important kingdoms
10.35pm Hannah: The Girl Who Said No to a New Heart BBC1 - Documentary following 13-year-old Hannah Jones, who made national headlines when she took the controversial step of turning down a heart transplant, knowing that she could die at any time. This film follows Hannah over a year, as she and her family live with the consequences of her choice.
Wednesday
7.30pm Lion Country ITV1 - Documentary series which looks at how Englishman David Youldon is trying to stop the decline in numbers of wild African lions.
8.00pm Natural World: Birds of Paradise BBC2
8.00pm You've Been Framed Kids Special ITV1
8.00pm Fat Familes Sky1 - No-nonsense weight loss expert Steve Miller launches his fight against flab. Moving into the homes of supersize families, he sets out to transform the 'fatties' into 'fitties'.
9.00pm Horizon: The Secret Life of the Dog BBC2 - The series that explores topical scientific issues looks at the increasing research into dogs that is giving scientists a greater understanding of humans themselves.
9.00pm The Pharaoh Who Conquered The Sea BBC4 - Over three thousand years ago, legend has it that Queen Hatshepsut, Egypt's first female pharaoh, sent a fleet of ships to the wonderful, distant land of Punt. But did this expedition really happen? And if it did, where exactly is the land of Punt.
Thursday
8:30pm Seaside Rescue BBC1
8.00pm Jimmy's Global Harvest BBC2 - Jimmy Doherty investigates new techniques and technologies that may help to meet the increased demand for food across the planet. In Brazil, Jimmy discovers how to turn poisoned land into a powerhouse of world food production, joins sugar cane cutters to see how the country has replaced half of all its petrol use with biofuel, and finds a way to save Caiman alligators from poachers.
9.00pm Silent Witness BBC1 - The longrunning forensic drama series returns. Starring Emila Fox and Tom Ward. The series comprises of five 2-part stories airin g on Thursdays and Fridays. Continues Friday
9.00pm Sun, Sex and Holiday Madness BBC3 - BBC Radio 1 DJ Greg James joins British tourists heading to party capital Magaluf on the Spanish island of Mallorca, to examine the risks that many seem all too willing to take with their mind, body and soul.
9.00pm Diet: A Horizon Guide BBC4 - Dr Susan Jebb takes a look through nearly fifty years of amazing BBC archive of mankind's relationship with what we eat, charting the shift from the malnutrition of the past to today's obesity epidemic.
9.00pm Bill Bailey's Birdwatching Bonanza Sky1 - Comedian Bill Bailey hosts a brand new series where birdwatching shakes off its anorak image as celebrities go head to head in testing twitching tasks.
Friday
9.00pm Dancing On Ice ITV1 - New series of the ice skating competition.
10.00pm 8 Out of 10 Cats Channel 4

Doctor Who, BBC1

The very best Doctor Who episodes are marked by a febrile compulsion to replay the drama as soon as it becomes available via the ‘Red Button’. The End of Time fell some way short of this celestial excellence; sure, there were some fabulous moments of adversarial acting and twinkle-toed twists but was flawed by inimical indulgences and pedagogical pathos.

The best scene by a billion parsecs was the confrontation between the Doctor, the Master and the belligerent Timelords, led by the brilliant Timothy Dalton as Rassilon (although it was a mystery how he came to be there as last time we saw him he was in a tomb, perhaps he was conveniently resurrected like the Master).

With the flick of his metal gauntlet, Rassilon dispelled the Master’s malice, and the people of Earth were returned to their former selves. Yet even this demonstration of power was pale in comparison to his voice, which threatened to sweep away the renegade Timelords with its cyclonic majesty.

John Simm as the Master and David Tennant were too vivified by the epic quality of the conflict. Tennant oscillated between shooting the Master, and condemning the Timelords to virtual extinction and his nemesis to death, and firing at Rassilon to achieve the same ends but sparing the Master.

As he did so, on one side Rassilon was pontificating on the portentous destiny for the Timelords to ascend to a state of consciousness, abdicating the need for physical shape – a threat the Doctor had perceived and neutralised during the Time War – while on the other the conniving Master was egging on the Doctor to shoot Rassilon or demanding a reward for the salvation of his people.

And it was that atom of sympathy that Simm had planted in his impressive turn as the malevolent Timelord that made plausible his brief alliance with the Doctor, turning vengefully on Rassilon for implanting the maddening sound of drums in his skull, and made his repulsion of this greater threat to galactic safety as heroic as the Doctor’s efforts.

The implantation of the sound of drums into the Master’s skull was one of the more baffling elements of the plot that eroded the enjoyment. It went along the lines that the Timelords knew they were doomed to die in the Time War and so somehow communicated with the Master and were able to instil in his mind the sound of drums by tampering with the past (God knows why they didn’t instead execute the eight-year-old Doctor to stop him destroying them and the Daleks during the Time War – which wouldn’t have started if the Doctor, or another more loyal Timelord had eliminated the Skaro menace in Genesis of the Daleks, but this illustrates how liberally and conceitedly the plot was moulded).

Amid the confusion, there were moments of tenderness and comedy. The Vinvoccis’ ham-fisted rescue of the Doctor and Wilf’s (Bernard Cribbins) melancholy apologies for hindering the Doctor’s plans; which was most keenly illustrated when he timidly knocked the foreboding four times on the door of the protective booth in which he’d taken refuge during the Timelords’ battle.

Despite this being the third time in a row that the Doctor’s demise has been pre-planned to be caused by absorbing radiation or some such other lethal form of energy – Christopher Eccleston and Peter Davison (the others were hasty dismissals or either off screen) – Tennant was given the whole stage to parade the corrosive bombast that had lucidly manifested at the end of Waters of Mars, but also for it to meekly recede so he was able to safe Wilf through his own self-sacrifice; a monument to the infectious humanity contracted from companions like Wilf.

At this point we looked at our watch, there was still half-an-hour to go. And like the first part of End of Time, it was an overripe exhibition of self-indulgence. Coming after the Doctor’s self-immolation that left him crumpled up like a dead fly, the goodbyes to the various companions was a bland flatline. Of them all, Captain Jack, who seemed to be moodily drinking in Mos Eisley Spaceport’s tavern and Rose’s were tolerable, while Martha and Mickey were packed off awfully into a marriage of convenience the same way fat people are coerced into mutual attraction and subsequent wedlock in Emmerdale.

But even in this becalmed state, or perhaps because of it, we were still trying to unwind the plot. How had the Timelords escaped the Time War? They are Timelords, so why do they still rely on the incorrigible redundancy of soothsayers; can’t they just jump forwards in time to see what’s occurred in the Time War? How and why did the Doctor commit genocide on his own people when he wasn’t capable of killing a single person with a bullet – especially as he had condemned the Family of Blood to a fate worse than death, an endless torture?

All of these perplexities showed that Doctor Who can no longer be classed as a children’s show, or, because of the impenetrable complexities of the plot, even a programme for adults as the human mind isn’t capable of unravelling such confounding convolutions while at the same time watching an 80-year-old man down missiles with a mining laser. In fact, deciphering the plot was the main reason to re-view the episode on the ‘Red Button’, and perhaps this time work out what the hell was going on.